|Nightfall in Namibia|
I'm not proud. I had a total meltdown the night before the appointment (and turned up tired, emotionally exhaused and hungover (and feeling guilty as I'm supposed to be healing my body, not getting drunk to avoid dealing with my overwhelm). So while I had a clear intention which I discussed with the woman when I made the appointment, I was just a complete mess when I turned up.
It didn't help that the therapist thought I was there for past life regression. But given the new information and new stressors, my original concern that I was somehow letting go of my babies because I had 'blocks' to holding them to term was no longer valid, we agreed to just let the session flow... A bit touchy-feely for me, but I was in no condition to argue.
I shouldn't have worried. This is what came up for me:
My subconsicous mind is
- afraid of not being good enough, not able to have a baby
- afraid I might not be able to take care of a baby
- concerned there wont be enough money to give the baby the life it deserves
- worried I dont deserve it
There was a part of me calling itself 'Malevolent' who is extremely disdainful. Malevolent is strong and has a masculine voice. Malevolent just gets on with it and takes care of stuff that needs taking care of when Lisa is overwhelmed. Malevolent resents having to do this and gets its revenge by making Lisa worry. By causing Lisa physical pain like the frozen shoulder that mysteriously materialised after my last miscarriage.
Malevolent doesnt trust Lisa to take care of herself even though she's now an (extremely) capable adult.
There was a part of me who was very little and vulnerable. She couldnt tell us her name, she was too shy and spoke very quietly. Maybe she was 3 years old, she wasn't sure. No one was taking care of her. Who was going to take care of her if Lisa had a baby?
In the session, the therapist dealt with all of the concerns that came up and then invoked mother earth metaphors to lead me into a future progression of a successful pregnancy (note, not birth).
It all took less than 1.5 hours and I went home to sleep the rest of the day.
I've been feeling a bit more sane since.