Wednesday, 9 October 2013

The Sword of Damocles

Conception room with a view
I feel like the Sword of Damocles is hanging over my head.  Yes I have another chance and I should be happy but I can't help but feel its all about to fall apart again at any second.  Slip through my fingers...

I feel guilty that I am so... not negative exactly, but certainly not positive. Not quite ambivalent as I do care, in my head at least, but I'm not ready to let myself feel that I care very much.  I'm too apprehensive. Its not safe.

I feel like a total ingrate and it seems unfair somehow to all women everywhere who want to be pregnant and aren't and unfair to the wee one inside me right now.

I feel bad that my emotions are not of sweetness and light, unicorns and rainbows.  I am supposed to be the mother doing the best for her child.  I know that relaxation and positive thought correlates with successful pregnancy outcomes and maternal anxiety correlates with adverse outcomes.

I know there are no guarantees and I have no control other than looking after myself in the same way I have been for all the years we have been trying to have a baby.  But I want so much to be able to do something, cling to something, anything that might indicate that this time will be different.  Cue symptom spotting mentalness, which I know is futile, but I don't seem to be able to stop checking in with myself for symptoms fifty times a day.

And even though I understand all these things in my head, I really don't have a clue what to do about changing any of it.

I had my last session with the grief counsellor this week and she said it is a normal part of grieving - that as this one grows, I re-experience my loss of the others.  That she'd be more worried about my mental health if I was all gung-ho and super upbeat about everything.  Nice enough to hear, but it doesn't change things.

I started work at a new contract today - its only mornings for the rest of the month, but I'm hoping a set of data problems to solve for work will help keep my mind focussed on things other than the feelings of impending doom that threaten to overwhelm me.


In other news

  • The movers are booked
  • I bought our flights to Australia this evening and we're off in a month
  • I still need to figure out how to say goodbye to Poppy and Pipkin before we go.  I so hope I don't have to say goodbye to this one too.


  1. I totally understand the conflicting emotions and the feelings of guilt. Guilt is a very difficult emotion to let go of. I have been thinking of you and hoping that your pregnancy moves forward with ease, both physically and emotionally. That great news that you have a work distraction. Hugs.

    1. Thank you Marcy. Your support means a lot to me - especially since you're going through your own tough time. Fingers crossed for both of us.

  2. Hi Lisa, I found your blog via another I follow (can't remember which!), and am so happy I did. I have been reading through your story; we have much in common. I've had three losses (including a second tri loss at nearly 18 weeks), and have just found myself pregnant again...all of what you've written here I could have said myself. The hyper-vigilance with symptoms is doing my head in. Just trying to take it one day at a time, and stay sane until our first u/s on Monday...and praying that this one sticks, even if it's hard to believe in that sometimes. I don't think you're being an ingrate, you're just responding to the very diffuclt experiences you've had to face in getting here. You are doing your best for your baby. I understand what you're going through. Hang in there mama; I'm hoping hugely that this will be The One - for both of us!


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