Wednesday, 9 October 2013

The Sword of Damocles

Conception room with a view
I feel like the Sword of Damocles is hanging over my head.  Yes I have another chance and I should be happy but I can't help but feel its all about to fall apart again at any second.  Slip through my fingers...

I feel guilty that I am so... not negative exactly, but certainly not positive. Not quite ambivalent as I do care, in my head at least, but I'm not ready to let myself feel that I care very much.  I'm too apprehensive. Its not safe.

I feel like a total ingrate and it seems unfair somehow to all women everywhere who want to be pregnant and aren't and unfair to the wee one inside me right now.

I feel bad that my emotions are not of sweetness and light, unicorns and rainbows.  I am supposed to be the mother doing the best for her child.  I know that relaxation and positive thought correlates with successful pregnancy outcomes and maternal anxiety correlates with adverse outcomes.

I know there are no guarantees and I have no control other than looking after myself in the same way I have been for all the years we have been trying to have a baby.  But I want so much to be able to do something, cling to something, anything that might indicate that this time will be different.  Cue symptom spotting mentalness, which I know is futile, but I don't seem to be able to stop checking in with myself for symptoms fifty times a day.

And even though I understand all these things in my head, I really don't have a clue what to do about changing any of it.

I had my last session with the grief counsellor this week and she said it is a normal part of grieving - that as this one grows, I re-experience my loss of the others.  That she'd be more worried about my mental health if I was all gung-ho and super upbeat about everything.  Nice enough to hear, but it doesn't change things.

I started work at a new contract today - its only mornings for the rest of the month, but I'm hoping a set of data problems to solve for work will help keep my mind focussed on things other than the feelings of impending doom that threaten to overwhelm me.

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In other news

  • The movers are booked
  • I bought our flights to Australia this evening and we're off in a month
  • I still need to figure out how to say goodbye to Poppy and Pipkin before we go.  I so hope I don't have to say goodbye to this one too.

3 comments:

  1. I totally understand the conflicting emotions and the feelings of guilt. Guilt is a very difficult emotion to let go of. I have been thinking of you and hoping that your pregnancy moves forward with ease, both physically and emotionally. That great news that you have a work distraction. Hugs.

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    Replies
    1. Thank you Marcy. Your support means a lot to me - especially since you're going through your own tough time. Fingers crossed for both of us.

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  2. Hi Lisa, I found your blog via another I follow (can't remember which!), and am so happy I did. I have been reading through your story; we have much in common. I've had three losses (including a second tri loss at nearly 18 weeks), and have just found myself pregnant again...all of what you've written here I could have said myself. The hyper-vigilance with symptoms is doing my head in. Just trying to take it one day at a time, and stay sane until our first u/s on Monday...and praying that this one sticks, even if it's hard to believe in that sometimes. I don't think you're being an ingrate, you're just responding to the very diffuclt experiences you've had to face in getting here. You are doing your best for your baby. I understand what you're going through. Hang in there mama; I'm hoping hugely that this will be The One - for both of us!

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