|Conception room with a view|
I feel guilty that I am so... not negative exactly, but certainly not positive. Not quite ambivalent as I do care, in my head at least, but I'm not ready to let myself feel that I care very much. I'm too apprehensive. Its not safe.
I feel like a total ingrate and it seems unfair somehow to all women everywhere who want to be pregnant and aren't and unfair to the wee one inside me right now.
I feel bad that my emotions are not of sweetness and light, unicorns and rainbows. I am supposed to be the mother doing the best for her child. I know that relaxation and positive thought correlates with successful pregnancy outcomes and maternal anxiety correlates with adverse outcomes.
I know there are no guarantees and I have no control other than looking after myself in the same way I have been for all the years we have been trying to have a baby. But I want so much to be able to do something, cling to something, anything that might indicate that this time will be different. Cue symptom spotting mentalness, which I know is futile, but I don't seem to be able to stop checking in with myself for symptoms fifty times a day.
And even though I understand all these things in my head, I really don't have a clue what to do about changing any of it.
I had my last session with the grief counsellor this week and she said it is a normal part of grieving - that as this one grows, I re-experience my loss of the others. That she'd be more worried about my mental health if I was all gung-ho and super upbeat about everything. Nice enough to hear, but it doesn't change things.
I started work at a new contract today - its only mornings for the rest of the month, but I'm hoping a set of data problems to solve for work will help keep my mind focussed on things other than the feelings of impending doom that threaten to overwhelm me.
In other news