Over the years of trying to get pregnant and my two losses I sometimes had insidious thoughts, especially during the throes of disappointment after another fruitless two week wait. Or over the weeks months of hopelessness and futility following a miscarriage.
The thoughts undermined my confidence, my positivity, my hope:
I have always held a job with a lot of mental stimulation, responsibility, long hours and stressful deadlines. Looking after and breastfeeding a baby is probably the most physically demanding and socially isolated work I've ever done. It is non-stop though doesn't keep my mind particularly occupied.
The thoughts undermined my confidence, my positivity, my hope:
- I shouldn't have thought/eaten/drank/worked so hard/flown/exercised/waited so long/done...
- I don't deserve to be a mother
- I shouldn't have invested so much time in work/travel/that relationship
- I should have married that wrong-for-me boyfriend when I was younger. We'd be divorced now, but at least we could have had a family before it was too late
- I must have done something wrong... to displease the universe/in a past life
- Babies don't want me to be their mother
- I'm being punished for... any number of things I feel guilty about
- Maybe I'm just not the mothering type...
- If only I had/hadn't...
I have always held a job with a lot of mental stimulation, responsibility, long hours and stressful deadlines. Looking after and breastfeeding a baby is probably the most physically demanding and socially isolated work I've ever done. It is non-stop though doesn't keep my mind particularly occupied.
I know I am lucky to have a baby, and such a contented one. After five months of interrupted sleep and a few hard weeks with Pickle feeling her teeth coming through, I am tired and find my mind churning:
- I'm no good at this, it comes to real mothers naturally
- No wonder it was so hard to get pregnant, I'm not cut out to be a mother
- I love my baby but I'm not all in love and mushy like, the other mothers. Maybe there is something wrong with me
- A real mother would...
I recognise these thoughts as products of my tiredness but they feel so very familiar.
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Thank you for sharing this! You're not alone. These same thoughts creep in on me from time to time, and it takes all the strength my exhausted body and mind can muster to push them away.
ReplyDeleteBeing a mother is tough and those thoughts can creep in- especially if you are not getting enough sleep. Try to not be so hard on yourself- I'm sure that you are doing a great job!
ReplyDeleteYes! I had similar thoughts during IF, I can still see me on the guest bed crying my eyes out and also during the first year with my firstborn. It is very hard, especially if you are sleep deprived, and with all the opinions floating around about parenting that can make you feel like a complete failure. I needed a few therapy sessions to get my confidence back (and then my son started sleeping better too, so that helped as well). Hang in there. You are the best mother you can be.
ReplyDeleteThe worst part about those thoughts is that they're not based in fact. Other mothers aren't doing it better. They're just spinning the external story differently. You're in a hard time period.
ReplyDeleteSending a big hug! Sleep deprived thoughts are the worst! I have no doubts at all that you were meant to be a mother and do an amazing job taking care of Pickle.
ReplyDeleteI'm not a Mom. But I can identify with how we put ourselves down all the time, based on some notion of 'perfection' we've acquired!
ReplyDeleteI'm sure you're a great Mom to Pickle.
It's a big fat lie that motherhood is this one big rosy world filled with butterflies and positive thoughts. You need to acknowledge that though you have these thoughts, you are certainly not alone in having them. And then realize that you are exhausted and negativity creeps in and makes you doubt everything. All things are temporary, including how you are feeling now. You are doing a good job, you are a good mother and you are awesome!
ReplyDeleteOh my gosh I couldn't agree more. These thoughts are all familiar to me as well. Not all the time, but there are definitely moments. Hang in there, I'm sure you are doing an amazing job!
ReplyDeleteThanks for all the supportive comments ladies!
ReplyDeleteIn my more coherent moments these thoughts do not arise and I know I'm really doing an okay job. It surprises me though how they creep in like phantoms from the past.
Oh gosh. Like everyone else has said, those thoughts are so familiar. I think of them as steeping in a pot of crazy. Usually the pot just sits on a back burner of the stove, but every now and then something turns up the heat and the pot of crazy starts to simmer! When I think of it that way I can make a deliberate effort to turn down the heat before it boils over. Sending you lots of love mama!!
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