Taking it day by day...

After I lost Poppy, I think I also lost my self a little bit.  

I took only two days off work, during which I mainly slept, then threw myself back into activity.  

I said I was worried about getting bored, but maybe I was just doing anything I could to avoid acknowledging the enormity of what had happened and the feelings which threatened to overwhelm me.  I drank too much red wine which helped me avoid my feelings but made me hate myself because I wanted to be healthy for a future pregnancy.

When I wasn't working, I did a lot of reading, to distract myself and to try to understand.  

I read many amazing blogs about infertility and loss and those gave me some perspective.  

I didn't know why I lost my baby, or if there was anything I could have done to prevent it, or if I did something to actually cause it.  I had lots of questions.  

What is the meaning of life anyway?

This questioning led me to some interesting books among the self-help shelves of my local library that have opened up the way I think about it all.  I'll write about some of those sometime.

I'm definitely doing it differently this time.

Because Pipkin was five weeks older when I lost her, the toll on me physically was much greater. I lost a lot of blood and my iron levels were way low.  So I needed to allow myself to recover, physically and emotionally.  

At work, my contract was a little over one month from finishing and they had just hired my permanent replacement.  I negotiated an agreement to spend two weeks on full time handover, then come in only one day a week for the remainder.  They wanted to renew me, but I decided I needed the time for myself more than I needed the money.

The first month after my loss my feelings see-sawed between sadness and anger.  

If I wasn't crying I was railing at the world.  At all the unfairness, at all the stupidity, at all the waste, at all the people.  

I especially got white hot angry at anything that affected my life that I had no control over.

I didn't see the correlation at the time.

I've never been the kind for melodramatic gestures but after a couple of very dramatic pre-menstrual emotional meltdowns where I found myself seriously contemplating the futility of living if my babies couldn't live, I scared myself enough to make an appointment to see a counsellor.  

I'm not sure its actually helping but at least I am making an effort to talk about my feelings with her.  I prefer writing about them on here, but it is useful as she gives me some different perspectives.  

She also constantly reminds me to be gentle with myself and Mr Duncan.

Since I finished work I've also been taking the time to practice extreme self care which, for me, includes

• sleeping a LOT
• enjoying the summer sun in the park while its around
• allowing myself to feel my feelings and cry or shout if I want to.  This is much more challenging than I could have imagined
• cooking tasty, nutritionally rich meals for myself and Mr Duncan
• riding my bicycle around the neighbourhood
• attending yoga classes regularly
• Having shiatsu massage to help release the physical knots that appeared in my muscles in the days after my last loss
• writing in this blog and reading about other's experiences of loss and hope and heartbreak

Sometimes I feel self-indulgent and guilty, but mostly I justify it by reminding myself that I worked so hard and earned the good monies so I can afford to take time off now that I need it. And then I get annoyed with myself for feeling the need to justify it.  

I lost two angels in the space of a year ffs!  

While continuing to successfully deliver on my work obligations!  Why the hell don't I deserve some time for healing?

And there is the anger again.  

Sigh.

It would be better if I didn't get so angry with myself.

L.

x