Insidious thoughts

Over the years of trying to get pregnant and my two losses I sometimes had insidious thoughts, especially during the throes of disappointment after another fruitless two week wait.  

Or over the weeks months of hopelessness and futility following a miscarriage.
The thoughts undermined my confidence, my positivity, my hope:

• I shouldn't have thought/eaten/drank/worked so hard/flown/exercised/waited so long/done...

• I don't deserve to be a mother

• I shouldn't have invested so much time in work/travel/that relationship

• I should have married that wrong-for-me boyfriend when I was younger.  We'd be divorced now, but at least we could have had a family before it was too late

• I must have done something wrong... to displease the universe/in a past life

• Babies don't want me to be their mother

• I'm being punished for... any number of things I feel guilty about

• Maybe I'm just not the mothering type... 

• If only I had/hadn't...

I have always held a job with a lot of mental stimulation, responsibility, long hours and stressful deadlines.  Looking after and breastfeeding a baby is probably the most physically demanding and socially isolated work I've ever done.  It is non-stop though doesn't keep my mind particularly occupied.

I know I am lucky to have a baby, and such a contented one.  After five months of interrupted sleep and a few hard weeks with Pickle feeling her teeth coming through, I am tired and find my mind churning:

• I'm no good at this, it comes to real mothers naturally

• No wonder it was so hard to get pregnant, I'm not cut out to be a mother

• I love my baby but I'm not all in love and mushy like, the other mothers.  Maybe there is something wrong with me

• A real mother would...

I recognise these thoughts as products of my tiredness but they feel so very familiar.

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Microblog Mondays

This is my hundredth post.

I wanted my hundredth post to be something substantial.

Meaningful even.  

But I haven't completed any of the half dozen or so drafts I've made over the past two months.

Pickle is still learning to overcome the 40 minute nap.  I don't seem to have learned to blog in that amount of time.  I thought I'd better get back on the horse before I forgot how to ride.

I remember reading someone recommending (probably Mel) not starting a new draft until you complete and publish your existing one.  

I'd better start taking that advice.

In the meantime, thank goodness for Microblog Mondays.

Not sure what #MicroblogMondays is? Read the inaugural post which explains the idea and how you can participate too.