I have been worrying, given how difficult it was to get pregnant in the first place, and the two consecutive miscarriages, that somehow my mind/body connection was working against me.
That maybe I was blocking myself somehow and preventing myself from having a baby.
Why would I think that?
Why would I think that?
I had an unconventional childhood.
By the standard of todays more child-centric world I think my sisters and I were probably quite badly neglected but this was the 70s and no-one intervened - although it was clear that neighbours and the parents of friends were keeping an eye on us.
In retrospect I can see my mother was depressed and overwhelmed bringing up three small children on welfare after her husband left her for another woman.
She was a diabetic with a drinking problem and her way of dealing was to not deal.
Block it out and blame everyone and everything else.
Do not take any responsibility for anything at any cost.
In the absence of anyone else taking responsibility (my older sister would get angry that my mother wasn't acting the way proper Mothers' were supposed to and storm out, my younger sister just cried) I took a lot on my shoulders.
I dealt with stuff, but resented it and clearly remember swearing to myself I would never allow myself to be in the same situation - responsible for children without the wherewithal or money to keep them safe and happy.
I studied and practiced hypnotherapy when I lived in New York in the early 2000s.
In sessions with former clients who came to me for their fear of public speaking, the root of that fear would most often be a time when they were young and said something that people laughed at which made them feel embarrassed.
They would swear to themselves they'd never put themselves in a situation which made them feel like that again which manifested as the fear of speaking in public. After resolving this conflict in our sessions the fear would be gone.
You see the parallel?
So I was looking for something quite specific.
There are many hypnotherapists who can give you relaxation and guided visualisation sessions but I wanted someone proficient in more interactive techniques.
It was really tricky to determine from the websites I reviewed whether or not the practitioner had the skills I was after.
Eventually I phoned one who offered past life regression - not because I wanted that, but because regression requires the interactive skills I was looking for.
Unfortunately he was a out to go abroad for some time, but referred me to a colleague who I called and made an appointment with.
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