Family

Grilled mackerel and vegetable salad with balsamic dressing
at Portelet Inn, Jersey.  I am SO going to make this one day.

Our trip to Jersey was great.  

The weather was sunny and hot with a comfortable breeze.  The view from our hotel overlooked the sea and I enjoyed the smell of salt in the air.  We rented bikes for two days and explored most of the island.  

We cycled the headland overlooking the sea where my Jersey great x4 Grandfather grew up.  We visited the castle dominated village on the other side of the island where my great x4 Grandmother was raised before they met and married in New Zealand.

On one hand I felt very connected.  Maybe it was because Jersey reminded me of New Zealand - at least in its leafy greenness and closeness to the sea.  On the other hand I felt a bit despondent.  

Does this line end with me?  

Obviously their line doesn't, because they have other lines with other great x 4 grandchildren, but my maternal line could very well end here.

Its been a tricky couple of weeks.  

August bank holiday a friend was over from New York and we met at a mutual friend's place for lunch.  It was great seeing everyone.  Really.  

It was also good to meet the mutual friend's two month old son for the first time - their first baby died of mitochondrial disease and they went through all sorts of pain.  They've been so supportive of me in my losses I am so thankful and don't begrudge them their children at all.  

But I couldn't help but feel, as I held the baby for a few minutes, that maybe I'll never... 

and it felt emotionally so uncomfortable I thought maybe I wouldn't be any good at being a parent anyway.

Today, another weekend, an engagement/housewarming barbecue.  We're not actually that social normally - I haven't enjoyed being around lots of people since I was pregnant the first time.  

I was fine with all the toddlers running around.  I was even mostly fine when the eight months pregnant woman came and sat next to me and started chatting. But when friends of hers came up to ask her how she was and when she was due... she started complaining (in that boasting way they do) about how awful her pregnancy was (and I'm sure it is) and how she just wished it was all over already (which is probably perfectly reasonable).

Gah!

I didn't think it was reasonable.  

I couldn't handle it.  I saw red and abruptly got up and stormed to the other side of the property.  It was that or rant at her about...

Well I'm not even sure about what really.  

I was all like how dare she complain with her round belly and perfect toddler.  MY belly should be that round!  I should have a live baby toddling around!

My anger.  

Not really her problem.

On the up-side while we were in Jersey I spent some time at the archives looking up census records.  At a time when 

• 20% of children died before they were 5 years of age
• the average life expectancy was only 35 years

my female forebears lived into their 80s and were still having children (who also lived into their 80s) at 44 and 45.

So... 

You know.  

Hope.

Looks like I have good genes.

L.

x