Char-grilled Sardines on Barley and Spinach with Tomato Chutney

As you know, I'm trying to use up foods from our store-cupboard before we move to Australia.  I found this packet of pearl barley which I have been avoiding for months.

When I bought it, I was actually trying to buy millet, which is supposed to be amazing for fertility, but I guess they were out and put the barley on the shelf above the millet label.  

I hate it when that happens.  

I really should read the labels on things before I put them in my basket.

With the veggie box this week we got spinach and tomatoes, which I love and I ordered some fresh sardine fillets because they were on special.  I knew those ingredients would go well together, but it took me a while to figure out exactly how.

This meal was inspired by a recipe for Smoky Griddled Sardines with Sweet Tomato Chutney at Delicious Magazine.  For the chutney, I used loads of ginger, omitted the oil, sugar and salt and didn't discard the tomato seeds or measure anything.  

Who has the time for that?  

The chutney turned out just fine.

Fertility Focus

Sardines are full of essential fatty acids, vitamin D and a food source of coenzyme Q10 which aids mitochondrial function
Spinach is rich in iron, folic acid and vitamin K
Tomatoes are full of the antioxidant lycopene which boosts sperm health and also contain folate, B6, vitamin A and vitamin E
Ginger promotes blood circulation and proper digestion in which the body absorbs the nutrients in foods
Home made Chicken Stock (I follow the same method as Naturally Knocked Up and keep it in the freezer) is recommended for nurturing fertility in TCM

Ingredients

• Fresh sardines - I used fillets because that is what I had, but the original recipe suggests whole ones
• Coconut oil
• Smoked paprika
• Soy sauce
• 1 cup pearl barley, pre-soaked, rinsed and drained
• Chicken stock
• Fresh spinach

For the tomato chutney

• Tomatoes
• Onion
• Root ginger
• Garlic
• Balsamic vinegar

Method

1.  Simmer the barley and an equal amount of chicken stock covered in a large pot (I use my wok) for approx 30 minutes over a low heat until the barley is cooked and the stock is nearly completely absorbed.  You may need to add more stock/water.  

2.  Finely chop the onion, ginger and garlic.  

3.  Sweat over a low heat in a small pan. 

4.  Scald and peel the tomatoes.  

5.  Chop into large chunks and add to the pan. 

6.  Splash in some balsamic vinegar.  

7.  Cover and gently simmer until tomatoes are softened.  

8.  Remove from heat and set aside.

9.  Melt a tablespoon of coconut oil in a shallow bowl (I did it over the tomato chutney).  

10.  Add a dash of soy sauce.  

11.  Sprinkle in paprika powder until you have a runny paste.

12.  Wash the sardine fillets to make sure the scales have all been removed and pat them dry with paper towels.  

13.  When the barley is nearly done, roughly chop the spinach and mix into the barley.  

14.  Cover and allow to wilt while you cook the sardines, stirring occasionally.

15.  Heat a griddle pan on a medium flame.  

16.  Dredge each sardine fillet through the paprika paste so they're covered on both sides and cook skin side down for 2-3 minutes until charred.  

17.  Turn off the heat and turn the fillets.

18.  Serve the sardines on the barley/spinach mix topped with warm tomato chutney.  

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Meditation

Stillness and reflection in the Okavango Delta

The first time I heard about meditation I was ten years old.  My Mother had just given me a book for my birthday called 'Meditation for Children'.

Although an avid reader, I was unimpressed and uninterested in this particular book.  I didn't like my Mother telling me what to do, especially if it was in any way related to her hippy ways, and it lay on a shelf disregarded, for years. I don't actually remember what happened to it.

I guess my Mother could see what was going on with me and was trying to do me a favour.  

While I'm pretty happy with my brain, it has seen me through some complex and difficult situations, I do have one of those minds that churns incessantly.  So in my head, I think meditation is something I should do, and would benefit from.  

If nothing else, I could do with conditioning myself to trigger the relaxation response.

I've tried to learn to meditate a number of different times in my life, with a number of different methods.

• In my early 20s I bought a transcendental meditation cassette tape which had you repeat a mantra for 20 minutes.  
• Inspired by a recent visit by Sri Chimnoy during my first stint working in London, I set up a small shrine with a candle to meditate on in the morning before I left for work.
• When I was living in San Francisco I attended several terms of meditation classes at a 'church' that I eventually felt was a bit too cult-ish for my comfort. 
• I've taken meditation workshops at Tibetan Buddhist temples.
• I tried various guided meditations on YouTube in the interests of reducing stress while I was trying to get pregnant.
• When I first lost Poppy, a friend recommended the meditation podcast 'Emotional Ease' to help with the merry-go-round of incessant self recriminatory thoughts I was suffering.
• When I was pregnant with Pipkin, I listened to a meditation iPhone app while travelling to work on the tube in rush hour.  I find crowded tube trains extremely stressful.  Don't you?

I'm sure there are other times I've tried to start a meditation practice that I don't even recall.  I can honestly say I've learned something from each attempt, but I haven't ever stuck with it.

The problem is, when I try to meditate silently, my internal voice kicks up a big ruckus and I usually terminate the session after a couple of extremely uncomfortable minutes of conflicting internal dialogue.  I mean, I know the point is to keep doing it until my internal voice calms itself (learned helplessness maybe?) but I just don't.

I have more success with guided meditations but get bored with them very quickly and drift off into my own thoughts. 

The other problem is that I like my bed too much to get up any earlier in the morning than I have to, and evenings are about dinner and spending some quality time with Mr Duncan. 

I know.  Excuses, excuses.

I think the closest I've actually come to finding any peace in meditation is during yoga classes, when I am focussed on my breathing and my body is automatically responding to the teacher's instructions.  

It took me years of regular yoga practice before I could even quiet, though not halt, the chatter in my brain during Savasana.

I was recently recommended a website called Buddhist Geeks by an ex-colleague.

Not that I'm particularly buddhist, but I am a little bit Silicon Valley and he wanted to draw a parallel with how I coach my software teams to deliver and the practice of mindfulness.  

I had a click around and found an interesting podcast about behavioural design and how to build positive habits.  One study showed that even finding time for a two minute meditation each day, was more beneficial in establishing a regular meditation practice than setting aside more time less regularly.

I know that I will benefit from meditation if I manage to make time and space in my life to practice it.  So I decided its time to dust off the headspace meditation app I downloaded when I first got my iPhone and never really used past the first week.  

I 'took ten' in the park when I was early to a lunch meeting yesterday and I felt SO much better.  Given I wake naturally at stupid o'clock in the morning and take my temperature before going back to sleep, I'm going to try to spend ten minutes with the app in the morning.  Then I'll go back to sleep.

Mr Duncan won't even notice.

If that doesn't work, I'll have to take the brute force approach and enrol in a 10 day silent Vipassana retreat per the little hints I've been finding in my reading lately.

Broccoli and Cashew Stir Fry with Noodles

Brocco-nut Noodles

Mr Duncan gave notice to our landlord at the end of last week.  It was not as soon as I would have liked. I'd have done it the day he got the visa.  But when you delegate the job of Landlord Relations to someone else you live with, you have to let them do things their own way.

Even if it drives you nuts.

Otherwise you just end up taking all the responsibility for everything - and that is not a recipe for a harmonious home-life.  Or relationship either.

So there has been a sudden flurry of activity this week.  

I've been trying to get international moving companies in to quote for our move and no fewer than seven real estate companies have been in touch wanting to send over photographers for their listings and bring through potential future tenants.   

I hate strangers in my house when I'm not present.

We have two months to get everything organised which would normally be more than enough time.  

As an adult, I've moved countries four times with little more than a couple of suitcases, a wooden chest full of sentimental items and a couple of oriental rugs. 

I've learned how to only spend money on things I really love and to make do with things that I can let go of easily until I move to my forever home, where ever that may be.

Mr Duncan, on the other hand, never gets rid of anything and is resistant to suggestions that some of the half-read newspapers and magazines piled up on his desk could go in the paper recycling.  

It transpires, in addition to all the furniture and belongings in our home, he wants to bring a whole load of stuff I didn't even know he had, from his childhood bedroom and the loft at his parents' house.  Including a filing cabinet-sized obsolete computer from the early 90s. And all his childhood books (which is kind of sweet). 

Oh - and after much too-ing and fro-ing as it makes no financial sense whatsoever, the Land Rover, which is its own little set of organisational headaches to do with shipping and import duties.

For the past couple of months I've been asking Mr Duncan to get all that he wants to bring to Australia to our current house, so I can get moving quotes.  A few weeks ago he took the Land Rover up to his parents place with boxes and the intention of returning with the stuff he wants shipped to Australia.  

He returned empty handed with a headache and sulky attitude.

I gather his mother is less than impressed by the plan to move and is holding his stuff to ransom with a side of emotional blackmail.  I am less than impressed he never told her before.  

Moving to Australia has been the plan of record for over three years now.

He wants me to go ahead and get the quotes on what is already at home, then have them charge us for whatever extra he brings by before they pack it all into the container.  

I dislike this plan as

a) I have no idea of the volume of 'extra' and

b) there is already a considerable cost associated with shipping all his crap belongings currently IN the house.  I am not happy to incur penalty charges for an undefined quantity of 'extra' that may turn up especially since

• I could do the move alone for less than a tenth of what just moving the Land Rover is going to cost   
• we want to be able to buy a house in Australia and the moving costs are coming out of our savings for a deposit
• I'm not currently earning any money
• we agreed it would be okay for me not to immediately get a high paid/high stress job on landing in Australia in the hope I might get pregnant again.  

Gah!

I'm never going to get pregnant again if I let the stress get to me.  Allow me to soothe my feelings with food....

Fertility Focus

Cashew nuts are full of protein, healthy fats, iron, zinc and selenium
Broccoli is a source of calcium and helps balance hormone levels

This Abel and Cole recipe for Brocco-nut Noodles came with our vegbox.  For a change, I mostly followed it as written - I just used pre soaked and dried cashews (without butter), added some onion and tossed the still hot noodles into the wok for a couple of minutes before serving.

Beetroot, Tomato and Lentil Salad

Although I started working on eating the freezer and our cupboards bare some months ago, we still seem to have lots of random store-cupboard and spice items to use up before we move, so I need to get better at incorporating these into my meals.

It seems the weather in London outdid itself in sun and heat while we were in Jersey on holiday.  

I thought I had cancelled the veg box due on the morning we returned, but it was sitting under a bush outside our door when we got in that evening.  The contents were a bit wilted but otherwise fine for having sat in sunlight all day. 

I normally elect to skip items we don't eat or already have a lot of.  But because I thought I'd cancelled the box, I didn't check what would be in it.  I ended up with rather more limp lettuce than I prefer.

The sun also put an end to the usually robust mint in my garden.

Without its usual London rain careful watering, my mint plant had yellowed considerably in the five days we were away.  I pruned it severely in the hope it will come back (it is almost impossible to kill mint) and picked off the tiny new buds at the top of each stem as they were the only edible bits left.

Fertility Focus

Beetroot is full of iron and folate
Quinoa is a plant based form of protein, and contains all nine of the essential amino acids needed for cell renewal.
Lentils are a good source of folic acid, full of iron and provide a non-meat form of protein
Tomatoes are full of the antioxidant lycopene which boosts sperm health and also contain folate, B6, vitamin A and vitamin E
Sunflower seeds are full of B vitamins, vitamin E and zinc

Ingredients

• French lentils, soaked, boiled and cooled
• Tomatoes, chopped
• Pickled beetroot, drained and chopped.
• Cooked quinoa
• Sunflower seeds
• Onion, finely chopped
• Mint

Method

1.  Mix together equal quantities of lentils, tomatoes and beetroot.  

2.  Toss in cooked quinoa, sunflower seeds, finely chopped onion and mint to taste. 

3.  Serve with a drizzle of balsamic vinegar over a bed of shredded lettuce.

Family

Grilled mackerel and vegetable salad with balsamic dressing
at Portelet Inn, Jersey.  I am SO going to make this one day.

Our trip to Jersey was great.  

The weather was sunny and hot with a comfortable breeze.  The view from our hotel overlooked the sea and I enjoyed the smell of salt in the air.  We rented bikes for two days and explored most of the island.  

We cycled the headland overlooking the sea where my Jersey great x4 Grandfather grew up.  We visited the castle dominated village on the other side of the island where my great x4 Grandmother was raised before they met and married in New Zealand.

On one hand I felt very connected.  Maybe it was because Jersey reminded me of New Zealand - at least in its leafy greenness and closeness to the sea.  On the other hand I felt a bit despondent.  

Does this line end with me?  

Obviously their line doesn't, because they have other lines with other great x 4 grandchildren, but my maternal line could very well end here.

Its been a tricky couple of weeks.  

August bank holiday a friend was over from New York and we met at a mutual friend's place for lunch.  It was great seeing everyone.  Really.  

It was also good to meet the mutual friend's two month old son for the first time - their first baby died of mitochondrial disease and they went through all sorts of pain.  They've been so supportive of me in my losses I am so thankful and don't begrudge them their children at all.  

But I couldn't help but feel, as I held the baby for a few minutes, that maybe I'll never... 

and it felt emotionally so uncomfortable I thought maybe I wouldn't be any good at being a parent anyway.

Today, another weekend, an engagement/housewarming barbecue.  We're not actually that social normally - I haven't enjoyed being around lots of people since I was pregnant the first time.  

I was fine with all the toddlers running around.  I was even mostly fine when the eight months pregnant woman came and sat next to me and started chatting. But when friends of hers came up to ask her how she was and when she was due... she started complaining (in that boasting way they do) about how awful her pregnancy was (and I'm sure it is) and how she just wished it was all over already (which is probably perfectly reasonable).

Gah!

I didn't think it was reasonable.  

I couldn't handle it.  I saw red and abruptly got up and stormed to the other side of the property.  It was that or rant at her about...

Well I'm not even sure about what really.  

I was all like how dare she complain with her round belly and perfect toddler.  MY belly should be that round!  I should have a live baby toddling around!

My anger.  

Not really her problem.

On the up-side while we were in Jersey I spent some time at the archives looking up census records.  At a time when 

• 20% of children died before they were 5 years of age
• the average life expectancy was only 35 years

my female forebears lived into their 80s and were still having children (who also lived into their 80s) at 44 and 45.

So... 

You know.  

Hope.

Looks like I have good genes.

L.

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