Silverbeet (Chard) Pie

In the interests of upping my intake of dark leafy greens I re-visited a dish I used to make all the time in New Zealand.  

Basically it is greens and a cheese sauce with a potato top.  It is total comfort food for me - like a vegetarian shepherds pie - my Mum used to make when I was a child.

Silverbeet is a type of chard from New Zealand. Everyone I knew grew it in their garden, it was nearly as indestructible as mint. 

Cheap and nutritious.  

I actually made this dish with kale and spinach instead of chard today and it turned out as good as I remembered it.

Fertility focus

Dark leafy greens like Kale and Spinach, are full of antioxidants, vitamin A, vitamin K and are good plant sources of calcium.

Ingredients

• Butter
• Onion
• Flour
• Milk
• Cheese
• Silverbeet/Chard/Kale/Spinach mix or other dark leafy greens

Method

1.  Set oven to 180 degrees Celsius.

2.  Scrub and chop potatoes into even sized chunks.  

3.  Boil potatoes until cooked and mash with just enough milk to make up a dryish mash.  I like to put the drained pot over the still warm element and steam extra water off the potatoes before adding the milk.

4.  Wash and chop the greens and pile into your pie dish.  You want enough to completely fill the dish while the greens are raw.

5.  Finely chop the onion

6.  Saute onion in a knob of melted butter over a medium heat.  

7.  When the onion is soft, add a small spoonful of flour to soak up the butter and cook, stirring, for a couple of minutes.  Basically you're making a roux and want to cook off the taste of raw flour.   

8.  Once you've done this add a little milk and mix in.  Keep adding milk until you have a creamy sauce without lumps.  Remove from the heat and stir in about half a cup of grated cheese.  

9.  Pour the hot cheese sauce over the greens and mix.  The greens will wilt a bit.  10.  Squash the slightly wilted greens down into the pie dish and top with the mashed potato.  

11.  Sprinkle over a little more grated cheese and bake in oven for about 30 minutes or until the cheese is melted and browned and the sauce is bubbling up the sides.

Mum always used to sprinkle the top with nutritional yeast which makes for a cheesier tasting, crunchier top.  

Oily fish, dairy, eggs and greens - Weston Price or Brewers?

Spanakopita without the pastry

Given my normal eating style is very close to the Weston Price dietary guidelines anyway, last time I was pregnant I looked into the Weston Price Diet for Pregnant and Nursing Mothers and it made sense to me.

Because of my age I'm at higher risk for pregnancy complications such as gestational diabetes, placenta praevia, pre-eclampsia and premature birth.  The other diet I looked at was the Brewer diet which claims sufficient maternal nutrition plays a major factor in preventing such complications.

While trying to conceive I limited my intake of dairy and revisiting the eating guidelines for these diets now I'm pregnant has prompted me to include more oily fish, eggs and dairy in my diet.

And you can never have too many greens can you?

Nicoise Salad with Tinned Salmon and Avocado

This Indonesian Gado Gado salad is based on the same ingredients as the Nicoise - eggs, potato, green beans and greens but with a spicy peanut sauce instead of the fish.

Gado Gado

Smoked Mackerel and Spinach Pate

Harissa Sardines with Cucumber Couscous and Spinach

Courgette and Feta Frittata

L.

xx

The Sword of Damocles

Conception room with a view

I feel like the Sword of Damocles is hanging over my head.  

Yes, I have another chance and I should be happy but I can't help but feel its all about to fall apart again at any second.  

Slip through my fingers...

I feel guilty that I am so... not negative exactly, but certainly not positive.  Not quite ambivalent as I do care, in my head at least, but I'm not ready to let myself feel that I care very much.  I'm too apprehensive. 

Its not safe.

I feel like a total ingrate and it seems unfair somehow to all women everywhere who want to be pregnant and aren't and unfair to the wee one inside me right now.

I feel bad that my emotions are not of sweetness and light, unicorns and rainbows. 

I am supposed to be the mother doing the best for her child.  

I know that relaxation and positive thought correlates with successful pregnancy outcomes and maternal anxiety correlates with adverse outcomes.

I know there are no guarantees and I have no control other than looking after myself in the same way I have been for all the years we have been trying to have a baby.  

But I want so much to be able to do something, cling to something, anything that might indicate that this time will be different.  

Cue symptom spotting mentalness, which I know is futile, but I don't seem to be able to stop checking in with myself for symptoms fifty times a day.

And even though I understand all these things in my head, I really don't have a clue what to do about changing any of it.

I had my last session with the grief counsellor this week and she said it is a normal part of grieving - that as this one grows, I re-experience my loss of the others.  That she'd be more worried about my mental health if I was all gung-ho and super upbeat about everything.  

Nice enough to hear, but it doesn't change things.

I started work at a new contract today - its only mornings for the rest of the month, but I'm hoping a new set of data problems to solve for work will help keep my mind focussed on things other than the feelings of impending doom that threaten to overwhelm me.

**********

In other news

• The movers are booked
• I bought our flights to Australia this evening and we're off in a month
• I still need to figure out how to say goodbye to Poppy and Pipkin before we go.  

I so hope I don't have to say goodbye to this one too.

Matilda the Musical

When I became pregnant the first time, Mr Duncan and I started a new practice in which he reads aloud to me in bed a couple of nights a week before we go to sleep. 

Mr Duncan can be a bit of a gadget addict and this was my way of trying to ensure we both had at least half an hour of non-screen time before bed to

promote good sleep hygiene (and fertility).

We were supposed to take it in turns reading each book but it transpires Mr Duncan falls asleep almost instantly when I read, and given he said he doesn't mind doing all the reading, now he does all the reading.


So far we have read

• Watership Down by Richard Adams
• The Rivers of London Series by Ben Aaronovitch
• The Hunger Games Trilogy  by Suzanne Collins (although we have started and stopped with this - I have a problem with the violence right before bed and need to take breaks) 

We are currently reading Boy, the first autobiography by Roald Dahl who is the author of the book Matilda.

Matilda the Musical opened in London last November and since then I have been asking Mr Duncan when he's going to take me on a date to see it.  I like to take advantage of the culture available to us in London once in a while and I am a fan of musical comedian Tim Minchin, who wrote the music and lyrics.

One of the things I like about Tim Minchin is the articulacy of his lyrics.  He uses a wide vocabulary and often makes unexpected choices which tickle my sense of humour.  

Storm is a good example of his work (animated video contains strong language and anti-hippy sentiments).

Both Tim Minchin and Roald Dahl have a good sense of the dark and absurd, so I was sure they would be a good mix.  

I haven't actually read the book Matilda or seen the movie and made a point not to find out more than what I already knew - which was that it was about a little girl who liked reading and developed some special powers to restore justice with regard to those who mistreated her.  

So when we went on Wednesday night, I didn't really have any expectations.

As a singer, the main thing I like about musicals is the singing.  I know that sounds obvious, but a well pitched, strong voice speaks strongly to me emotionally.  Its the reason I listen to, and frequently cry at, opera - irrespective of whether or not I understand the words.  I've been known to cry at contestants singing on X-Factor for goodness sakes.

This show had me crying at its first line - but because of the words, not the voices.

My mummy says I'm a miracle.

Deep breath.  

Children are all miracles though this fact is sometimes not appreciated by people who do not experience any difficulties in having them. 

The opening number went on to illustrate that Matilda's birth was not desired or her existence valued by her parents, which just made me cry harder.  

Its so unfair!

An accomplished reader, in the song Naughty Matilda wonders why characters in stories do not take action to change the endings of their stories.

Just because you find that life's not fair, it
Doesn't mean that you just have to grin and bear it.
If you always take it on the chin and wear it,
You might as well be saying you think that it's OK.
And that's not right.  

And if it's not right, you have to put it right.
But nobody else is gonna put it right for me.
Nobody but me is gonna change my story.
Sometimes you have to be a little bit naughty.

and in a reprise at the end of When I Grow Up

Just because you find that life's not fair, it
Doesn't mean that you just have to grin and bear it.
If you always take it on the chin and wear it, nothing will change. 

Just because I find myself in this story,
It doesn't mean that everything is written for me.
If I think the ending is fixed already,
I might as well be saying I think that it's OK,

This is very much how I feel about trying to have a child.  

It was not okay that I was not getting pregnant and no one else was going to get me pregnant so I had to take action and do what I could to change my story.

Cue more tears.

So far, I'm projecting myself all over this show, but I was unprepared for additional elements in the plot that were not in the original book (and do not read further if you plan to see the show and don't want to know about these elements).

It turns out that as well as being a voracious reader, Matilda is a storyteller.  

She tells the tale of Escapologist and the Acrobat:

although they loved each other, although they were famous and everyone loved them, they were sad.

MATILDA collects two dolls from the house. She uses them to carry on a conversation.

ACROBAT [off-stage]

We have everything . . .

MATILDA

"We have everything that the world has to offer," said the wife.

ESCAPOLOGIST [off-stage]

We have everything . . .

MATILDA

"But we do not have the one thing in the world we want most."

ACROBAT and ESCAPOLOGIST [off-stage]

But the one thing . . .

MATILDA

"We do not have a child."

ESCAPOLOGIST [off-stage]

Patience, my love.

MATILDA

"Patience, my love," the husband replied. "Time is on our side. Even time loves us."

**********

MATILDA

But time is the one thing no one is master of. And as time passed, they grew quite old, and still they had no child. At night, they listened to the silence of their big, empty house, and they would imagine how beautiful it would be if it was filled with the sound of a child playing.

**********

MATILDA

Their sadness overwhelmed them, and drew them into ever more dangerous feats, as their work became the only place they could escape the inescapable tragedy of their lives! 

Just as they plan to perform the greatest feat ever known to man: The Burning Woman Hurling Through the Air With Dynamite in Her Hair Over Sharks And Spiky Objects Caught By the Man Locked in the Cage

MATILDA and ACROBAT [off stage]

"It is our destiny – "

MATILDA – said the wife, smiling sadly and slipping her hand into his. 

MATILDA and ACROBAT [off stage]"It is where the loneliness of life has led us."

They discover the acrobat is finally pregnant after all these years.  But their attempts to cancel the event are thwarted.

MATILDA and the ACROBAT'S SISTER [off-stage]

"A contract was signed to perform this feat, and perform this feat you shall!"

**********

A contract is a contract is a contract! My hands are tied. The Burning Woman, Hurling Through the Air, with Dynamite in Her Hair, Over Sharks and Spiky Objects, Caught by the Man Locked in a Cage will be performed, and performed this day, or . . . off to prison you both shall go!"

**********

MATILDA

The great escapologist had to escape from the cage, lean out, catch his wife with one hand, grab a fire extinguisher with the other, and put out the flames on her specially-designed dress within twelve seconds before they reached the dynamite and blew his wife's head off!

**********

MATILDA

The trick started well. The moment the specially-designed dress was set alight, the acrobat swung into the air. The crowd held their breath as she hurled over the sharks and spiky objects. One second. Two seconds. They watched as the flames crept up the dress. Three seconds. Four seconds. She began to reach out her arms towards the cage. Five seconds. Six seconds! Suddenly, the padlocks pinged open, and the huge chains fell away. Seven seconds. Eight seconds. The door flung open, and the escapologist reached out one huge, muscled arm to catch his wife and their child. Nine seconds! Ten seconds!

**********

MATILDA

Eleven seconds! And he grabs her hand, and . . . and . . . and suddenly, the flames are covered in foam before they can both be blown to pieces.

MRS PHELPS

Hooray! So the story does have a happy ending after all.

MATILDA

No. Maybe it was the thought of the child. Maybe it was nerves. But the escapologist used just a touch too much foam. And suddenly, their hands became slippy, and she fell.

MRS PHELPS

No. Was . . . Was she okay? Did . . . Did she survive?

The sheet parts and the ESCAPOLOGIST walks slowly forward, carrying the ACROBAT in his arms.

MATILDA

She broke every bone in her body. Except for the ones at the ends of her little fingers. She did manage to live long enough to have their child, but the effort was too great. "Love our little girl," she said. "Love our daughter with all your heart. She was all we ever wanted."

The ESCAPOLOGIST carries the ACROBAT off the front of the stage.

ACROBAT'S VOICE

Love our girl with everything. She is everything.

MATILDA

And then, she died.

I'm absolutely bawling by this stage.

**********

We can do all we can to put things right, to change the end of our stories.  But it doesn't guarantee the outcome we desire wont slip through our fingers just as everything looks like its going to be okay.

Courgette and Duck Green Coconut Curry with Noodles, (plus green curry paste recipe)

While we were trying to conceive Poppy, I was working for a company based in Paris.  My team were based in Poland and the South Coast of England so most of my work was done over the phone from my home office.  Every couple of weeks I had to go to head office for a couple of days for 'management meetings'.  

Snore.

A couple of days a month working in Paris sounds rather glamorous, but really, work travel is work travel and tends to involve too much work and too much travel.

It interrupts your sleep patterns.  I had to get up at 5am to catch the Eurostar train which would get me into the office at midday and I didn't get home until after 8pm on the day I returned.

It interrupts your eating patterns.  Eating out for every meal becomes old very quickly - especially when you're trying to eat as nutrient rich foods as you can. 

There just are no good choices available in ready made foods and you don't know the quality of what will be in the meal you order in restaurants. Although I will say this much - ordering restaurant food in Paris was much less of a concern in this regard than ordering restaurant food in the other city I once regularly had to do work travel to - Dallas.  At least the French value fresh ingredients prepared fairly simply.

In any case, I'd occasionally pop out to the supermarket in the lunch hour and pick up a bottle or two of cheap French wine to bring back to London in my hand-luggage at a fraction of the price it would cost here.  

We took said wine to a dinner party and the host asked if I could pick up some confit duck for him sometime as it was half the price in Euros as you can find it for Pounds in London.  The next time I could fit it in I did, and squeezed another tin in my bag for posterity.

As part of eating the cupboard bare before our move, I finally opened that tin last week and Mr Duncan made us a lovely traditional confit duck leg meal with greens and potato.

We have two legs left and this is what I did with one of them.

Fertility Focus:

Coconut milk is a source of healthy saturated fat which aids in vitamin absorption and balancing hormones.
Courgette contains iron and vitamins A, Bs (including folate) and C and the skin is full of fibre.
Spinach is rich in iron, folate and vitamin K

Ingredients

• Fat from the confit duck
• Onion
• Green curry paste (see below)
• Coconut milk
• Courgette
• Shredded duck leg
• Egg noodles
• Spinach

Method

1.  Boil noodles until cooked.  

2.  Rinse, drain and set aside.  

3.  Heat duck fat in wok until melted and chop onion into wedges.  

4.  Stir fry onion until slightly soft

5.  Mix in green curry paste.  

6.  Cook for a further couple of minutes. 

7.  Add coconut milk and mix until paste dissolves.  

8.  Bring to a low simmer and allow to reduce/thicken for about 5 minutes.
9.  Add chopped courgette, duck and noodles.  

10.  Heat through for three minutes. 

11.  Remove from heat.  

12.  Stir through chopped spinach until wilted.  

Serve.

Green Curry Paste

This is a recipe from Smokin' Pot, a Thai/Cambodian restaurant and cookery school in Battambang where Mr Duncan and I once took a class in Khmer-style cooking.

• 1/4 tsp dried coriander seeds
• 1/4 tsp dried cumin seeds
• 1/4 tsp black peppercorn
• 1/4 tsp salt
• 1/2 tsp finely chopped ginger
• 1/2 tsp kaffir lime peel, finely chopped (I used grated peel from a regular lime)
• 1 tbsp finely chopped shallots (I used onion)
• 1/2 tsp shrimp paste (or substitute 2x anchovies with 2 tbsp water)
• 1 1/2 tsp crushed lemongrass
• 1 tbsp finely chopped coriander root
• 1/2 tbsp crushed garlic
• 1/2 tsp turmeric
• 1/3 cup basil leaves
• About 10 small green chillies

1.  Toast cumin and coriander seeds over a low heat until brown.

2.  Place toasted seeds in mortar and grind to a powder with pestle.  

3.  Add remaining ingredients and pound to a paste.

This makes enough for about four meals for two.  

I store the extra in the fridge covered with olive oil until I need it.