Matilda the Musical

When I became pregnant the first time, Mr Duncan and I started a new practice in which he reads aloud to me in bed a couple of nights a week before we go to sleep. 

Mr Duncan can be a bit of a gadget addict and this was my way of trying to ensure we both had at least half an hour of non-screen time before bed to

promote good sleep hygiene (and fertility).

We were supposed to take it in turns reading each book but it transpires Mr Duncan falls asleep almost instantly when I read, and given he said he doesn't mind doing all the reading, now he does all the reading.


So far we have read

• Watership Down by Richard Adams
• The Rivers of London Series by Ben Aaronovitch
• The Hunger Games Trilogy  by Suzanne Collins (although we have started and stopped with this - I have a problem with the violence right before bed and need to take breaks) 

We are currently reading Boy, the first autobiography by Roald Dahl who is the author of the book Matilda.

Matilda the Musical opened in London last November and since then I have been asking Mr Duncan when he's going to take me on a date to see it.  I like to take advantage of the culture available to us in London once in a while and I am a fan of musical comedian Tim Minchin, who wrote the music and lyrics.

One of the things I like about Tim Minchin is the articulacy of his lyrics.  He uses a wide vocabulary and often makes unexpected choices which tickle my sense of humour.  

Storm is a good example of his work (animated video contains strong language and anti-hippy sentiments).

Both Tim Minchin and Roald Dahl have a good sense of the dark and absurd, so I was sure they would be a good mix.  

I haven't actually read the book Matilda or seen the movie and made a point not to find out more than what I already knew - which was that it was about a little girl who liked reading and developed some special powers to restore justice with regard to those who mistreated her.  

So when we went on Wednesday night, I didn't really have any expectations.

As a singer, the main thing I like about musicals is the singing.  I know that sounds obvious, but a well pitched, strong voice speaks strongly to me emotionally.  Its the reason I listen to, and frequently cry at, opera - irrespective of whether or not I understand the words.  I've been known to cry at contestants singing on X-Factor for goodness sakes.

This show had me crying at its first line - but because of the words, not the voices.

My mummy says I'm a miracle.

Deep breath.  

Children are all miracles though this fact is sometimes not appreciated by people who do not experience any difficulties in having them. 

The opening number went on to illustrate that Matilda's birth was not desired or her existence valued by her parents, which just made me cry harder.  

Its so unfair!

An accomplished reader, in the song Naughty Matilda wonders why characters in stories do not take action to change the endings of their stories.

Just because you find that life's not fair, it
Doesn't mean that you just have to grin and bear it.
If you always take it on the chin and wear it,
You might as well be saying you think that it's OK.
And that's not right.  

And if it's not right, you have to put it right.
But nobody else is gonna put it right for me.
Nobody but me is gonna change my story.
Sometimes you have to be a little bit naughty.

and in a reprise at the end of When I Grow Up

Just because you find that life's not fair, it
Doesn't mean that you just have to grin and bear it.
If you always take it on the chin and wear it, nothing will change. 

Just because I find myself in this story,
It doesn't mean that everything is written for me.
If I think the ending is fixed already,
I might as well be saying I think that it's OK,

This is very much how I feel about trying to have a child.  

It was not okay that I was not getting pregnant and no one else was going to get me pregnant so I had to take action and do what I could to change my story.

Cue more tears.

So far, I'm projecting myself all over this show, but I was unprepared for additional elements in the plot that were not in the original book (and do not read further if you plan to see the show and don't want to know about these elements).

It turns out that as well as being a voracious reader, Matilda is a storyteller.  

She tells the tale of Escapologist and the Acrobat:

although they loved each other, although they were famous and everyone loved them, they were sad.

MATILDA collects two dolls from the house. She uses them to carry on a conversation.

ACROBAT [off-stage]

We have everything . . .

MATILDA

"We have everything that the world has to offer," said the wife.

ESCAPOLOGIST [off-stage]

We have everything . . .

MATILDA

"But we do not have the one thing in the world we want most."

ACROBAT and ESCAPOLOGIST [off-stage]

But the one thing . . .

MATILDA

"We do not have a child."

ESCAPOLOGIST [off-stage]

Patience, my love.

MATILDA

"Patience, my love," the husband replied. "Time is on our side. Even time loves us."

**********

MATILDA

But time is the one thing no one is master of. And as time passed, they grew quite old, and still they had no child. At night, they listened to the silence of their big, empty house, and they would imagine how beautiful it would be if it was filled with the sound of a child playing.

**********

MATILDA

Their sadness overwhelmed them, and drew them into ever more dangerous feats, as their work became the only place they could escape the inescapable tragedy of their lives! 

Just as they plan to perform the greatest feat ever known to man: The Burning Woman Hurling Through the Air With Dynamite in Her Hair Over Sharks And Spiky Objects Caught By the Man Locked in the Cage

MATILDA and ACROBAT [off stage]

"It is our destiny – "

MATILDA – said the wife, smiling sadly and slipping her hand into his. 

MATILDA and ACROBAT [off stage]"It is where the loneliness of life has led us."

They discover the acrobat is finally pregnant after all these years.  But their attempts to cancel the event are thwarted.

MATILDA and the ACROBAT'S SISTER [off-stage]

"A contract was signed to perform this feat, and perform this feat you shall!"

**********

A contract is a contract is a contract! My hands are tied. The Burning Woman, Hurling Through the Air, with Dynamite in Her Hair, Over Sharks and Spiky Objects, Caught by the Man Locked in a Cage will be performed, and performed this day, or . . . off to prison you both shall go!"

**********

MATILDA

The great escapologist had to escape from the cage, lean out, catch his wife with one hand, grab a fire extinguisher with the other, and put out the flames on her specially-designed dress within twelve seconds before they reached the dynamite and blew his wife's head off!

**********

MATILDA

The trick started well. The moment the specially-designed dress was set alight, the acrobat swung into the air. The crowd held their breath as she hurled over the sharks and spiky objects. One second. Two seconds. They watched as the flames crept up the dress. Three seconds. Four seconds. She began to reach out her arms towards the cage. Five seconds. Six seconds! Suddenly, the padlocks pinged open, and the huge chains fell away. Seven seconds. Eight seconds. The door flung open, and the escapologist reached out one huge, muscled arm to catch his wife and their child. Nine seconds! Ten seconds!

**********

MATILDA

Eleven seconds! And he grabs her hand, and . . . and . . . and suddenly, the flames are covered in foam before they can both be blown to pieces.

MRS PHELPS

Hooray! So the story does have a happy ending after all.

MATILDA

No. Maybe it was the thought of the child. Maybe it was nerves. But the escapologist used just a touch too much foam. And suddenly, their hands became slippy, and she fell.

MRS PHELPS

No. Was . . . Was she okay? Did . . . Did she survive?

The sheet parts and the ESCAPOLOGIST walks slowly forward, carrying the ACROBAT in his arms.

MATILDA

She broke every bone in her body. Except for the ones at the ends of her little fingers. She did manage to live long enough to have their child, but the effort was too great. "Love our little girl," she said. "Love our daughter with all your heart. She was all we ever wanted."

The ESCAPOLOGIST carries the ACROBAT off the front of the stage.

ACROBAT'S VOICE

Love our girl with everything. She is everything.

MATILDA

And then, she died.

I'm absolutely bawling by this stage.

**********

We can do all we can to put things right, to change the end of our stories.  But it doesn't guarantee the outcome we desire wont slip through our fingers just as everything looks like its going to be okay.

Courgette and Duck Green Coconut Curry with Noodles, (plus green curry paste recipe)

While we were trying to conceive Poppy, I was working for a company based in Paris.  My team were based in Poland and the South Coast of England so most of my work was done over the phone from my home office.  Every couple of weeks I had to go to head office for a couple of days for 'management meetings'.  

Snore.

A couple of days a month working in Paris sounds rather glamorous, but really, work travel is work travel and tends to involve too much work and too much travel.

It interrupts your sleep patterns.  I had to get up at 5am to catch the Eurostar train which would get me into the office at midday and I didn't get home until after 8pm on the day I returned.

It interrupts your eating patterns.  Eating out for every meal becomes old very quickly - especially when you're trying to eat as nutrient rich foods as you can. 

There just are no good choices available in ready made foods and you don't know the quality of what will be in the meal you order in restaurants. Although I will say this much - ordering restaurant food in Paris was much less of a concern in this regard than ordering restaurant food in the other city I once regularly had to do work travel to - Dallas.  At least the French value fresh ingredients prepared fairly simply.

In any case, I'd occasionally pop out to the supermarket in the lunch hour and pick up a bottle or two of cheap French wine to bring back to London in my hand-luggage at a fraction of the price it would cost here.  

We took said wine to a dinner party and the host asked if I could pick up some confit duck for him sometime as it was half the price in Euros as you can find it for Pounds in London.  The next time I could fit it in I did, and squeezed another tin in my bag for posterity.

As part of eating the cupboard bare before our move, I finally opened that tin last week and Mr Duncan made us a lovely traditional confit duck leg meal with greens and potato.

We have two legs left and this is what I did with one of them.

Fertility Focus:

Coconut milk is a source of healthy saturated fat which aids in vitamin absorption and balancing hormones.
Courgette contains iron and vitamins A, Bs (including folate) and C and the skin is full of fibre.
Spinach is rich in iron, folate and vitamin K

Ingredients

• Fat from the confit duck
• Onion
• Green curry paste (see below)
• Coconut milk
• Courgette
• Shredded duck leg
• Egg noodles
• Spinach

Method

1.  Boil noodles until cooked.  

2.  Rinse, drain and set aside.  

3.  Heat duck fat in wok until melted and chop onion into wedges.  

4.  Stir fry onion until slightly soft

5.  Mix in green curry paste.  

6.  Cook for a further couple of minutes. 

7.  Add coconut milk and mix until paste dissolves.  

8.  Bring to a low simmer and allow to reduce/thicken for about 5 minutes.
9.  Add chopped courgette, duck and noodles.  

10.  Heat through for three minutes. 

11.  Remove from heat.  

12.  Stir through chopped spinach until wilted.  

Serve.

Green Curry Paste

This is a recipe from Smokin' Pot, a Thai/Cambodian restaurant and cookery school in Battambang where Mr Duncan and I once took a class in Khmer-style cooking.

• 1/4 tsp dried coriander seeds
• 1/4 tsp dried cumin seeds
• 1/4 tsp black peppercorn
• 1/4 tsp salt
• 1/2 tsp finely chopped ginger
• 1/2 tsp kaffir lime peel, finely chopped (I used grated peel from a regular lime)
• 1 tbsp finely chopped shallots (I used onion)
• 1/2 tsp shrimp paste (or substitute 2x anchovies with 2 tbsp water)
• 1 1/2 tsp crushed lemongrass
• 1 tbsp finely chopped coriander root
• 1/2 tbsp crushed garlic
• 1/2 tsp turmeric
• 1/3 cup basil leaves
• About 10 small green chillies

1.  Toast cumin and coriander seeds over a low heat until brown.

2.  Place toasted seeds in mortar and grind to a powder with pestle.  

3.  Add remaining ingredients and pound to a paste.

This makes enough for about four meals for two.  

I store the extra in the fridge covered with olive oil until I need it.

Imam Bayildi - Turkish Aubergine (eggplant) and Tomato dip

Scoop it up and pile it onto Turkish bread

This was my favourite dish when I was waitressing at a restaurant in Istanbul.

I did not intend to waitress while I was living in Istanbul.  It just kind of came to me.  

I used to go to a particular restaurant around the corner from my room, in the evenings, to study my Turkish language texts and relax with a glass of wine.  It wasn't long before the owner asked if I had any CDs as they were bored with their selection.  So then I used to study and be in charge of the CD player behind the bar for the few hours a night I was at the restaurant.

One night after I'd been going there for about a month, the restaurant was super-busy and understaffed.  The sole waiter was covering both floors of the restaurant and the bar and I could see he was running out of clean glasses for drinks and the dishwasher was full.  

So I went behind the bar, emptied out the clean glassware and put it away, re-filled the dishwasher and turned it on again.  I cleared some tables and ran orders downstairs to the kitchen for about an hour, while the waiter focussed on taking and delivering orders, then I went back to my books.

The next day the owner offered me a job for $10.00 USD a night.

The restaurant was just around the corner from the Four Seasons hotel and got a lot of well heeled American tourists as clientele.  He needed an experienced worker who also spoke good English as there were often mixups with the communication with Turkish-only speaking staff.  I agreed to work for a few weeks until he found a local person with the English skills he was looking for.  

I ended up working there for about three months.

My own prowess in Turkish didn't stretch to the names for spices when the chefs explained to me how to make Imam Bayildi (lots of pointing and miming was involved) so I'm not sure if the recipe is exactly the same as theirs.  Goodness knows every Turkish recipe has a thousand different ways of making it!  But I'm always pretty happy with how this version turns out.

Fertility Focus:

Aubergine is full of antioxidants and also provides folate and vitamin K.
Dates are rich in minerals including calcium, magnesium and potassium as well as containing vitamin B6 which can help increase progesterone levels in your luteal phase.
Tomatoes are full of the antioxidant lycopene which boosts sperm health and also contain folate, B6, vitamin A and vitamin E.
Turmeric is good for stabilising blood sugar levels which helps with managing weight and hormone balance.

Ingredients

• Aubergine
• Coconut oil
• Onion
• Chilli powder
• Turmeric
• Cumin
• Tomatoes
• Sultanas

Method

1.  Dice 2 large aubergines.  

2.  Heat 2 spoonfuls of coconut oil in a large pan and fry the aubergine for about ten minutes over a medium high heat so it browns a little and gets soft.  

3.  When it is quite soft but not slushy, tip into a colander to drain.
4.  Dice the onion and add to the pan.  

5.  Saute until soft.

6.  Add half a teaspoon each of the spices and cook for a further minute.  

7.  Return the aubergine to the pan with two large diced tomatoes and a handful of sultanas.  I didn't have any sultanas so used a few chopped up dates instead which added the required touch of sweetness and nicely disappeared into the mix.
8.  Stir in a Jamie Oliver sized splash of olive oil and simmer uncovered, on a low heat for 20-30 minutes, stirring occasionally to prevent sticking.
9.  Serve warm or cold.  

We enjoyed this with toasted pita bread and a yoghurt and cucumber raita (known as cajic in Turkish).

Third time lucky?

My only belly shot - Pipkin and I at 14 weeks

So.

For once my two week wait symptoms were not actually PMS.  I got a positive result on my home pregnancy test today.

Identical symptoms to the past three cycles. Completely opposite results.

Bizarre.

Part of me feels - whew, I get another chance.

Part of me feels  - oh no, here we go again.

At least the age statistics are on my side for once.  Apparently at my age 50% of pregnancies end in loss.  Given my two losses in a row, statistically I'm due for a live one.

I do know its not that simple though and I won't be counting any chickens until they hatch.

Farmhouse vegetable soup with croutons

Last weekend the weather was crappy and we had nothing but a bunch of odds and ends left from our veggie box so I thought a good old fashioned farmhouse soup was in order.

I remember this as a Sunday evening staple in winter while I was growing up. 

It is filling, tasty and extremely versatile.  I had no appreciation of it as a child, but its also a pretty inexpensive way to feed a horde of hungry children.

I find it oddly comforting.

As part of eating nutrient rich foods to support my fertility, I've added bone broth to my diet, mostly in the form of chicken broth which I make after a roast chicken dinner.  I normally end up with about three litres and freeze it in 500 ml portions for use in other meals.  I don't really follow a recipe for that but here are some instructions at Natural Fertility and Wellness.

We've had lamb chops a few times this year and it seemed a waste to throw out the bones, but I never had enough to make a proper batch of stock with them. I've slowly been amassing lamb bones in the freezer two by two.

Normally I make my soups with chicken stock from the freezer but I'm all out out and there didn't seem to be much point in buying more lamb bones to make a proper batch of stock and therefore increase the stuff I need to use up from the freezer before we move.   So I kind of made the stock at the same time as I made the soup by starting with the frozen lamb bones (I had about eight chops).

You can pretty much add anything to this soup veggie-wise.

Ingredients

• Lamb bones and water or pre-made bone broth
• Garlic
• Onion
• Leek
• Carrot
• Bay leaf
• Peppercorns
• Potato
• Rice
• Barley
• Quinoa

Method

1.  Place the lamb bones in a large pot with a close fitting lid and cook the bones on a low heat, stirring occasionally so they get evenly coloured.  You could also roast in a hot oven for 20 or so minutes.

2.  Chop the veg into bite sized chunks. 

3.  When the fat is melted and the bones are browned add a splash of water to deglaze the pan and pick up all the browned bits of lamb/fat stuck to the bottom of the pot.
4.  Add the chopped veg and stir around until they get a bit soft and a bit coloured as well.  

5.  Tip in enough water to cover everything completely along with the bay leaf and peppercorns and simmer, covered, on a low heat for an hour.  

6.  Fish the bones out of the pot and set aside.  

7.  Into the pot, throw a handful each of rice, barley and quinoa (or pasta or lentils or whatever else you have on hand) to absorb some of the water and thicken things up.  

8.  When the meat bones are cool, pick off any remaining meat and add to the soup. 

It is ready when the grains/pulses you've added are cooked.  You may need to add more water as you go.

To make the croutons simply butter some bread on both sides, chop into little squares and fry in a frying pan over a medium heat.

Serve in bowls topped with croutons and garnished with grated cheese and parsley.

Chickpea and Spinach stuffed Gem Squash

Perfect for one

We got Gem Squash in our veg box this week. Its all very well being able to skip the potatoes or lettuce when I want to, but sometimes I end up with a replacement I have no idea about.

This was one of those times.

Now I like orange winter squash and they're very nutritious, but after a disaster soup situation with some spaghetti squash, I've been a bit more careful to find out what I'm dealing with when it comes to new veg.

So cute!

I love the size and shape of Gem Squash, they're the perfect serving for one, but most of the recipes I found on google suggested stuffing them with mince or some variation thereof which didn't appeal.  The South African way is to roast them with butter but that seemed too plain for anything but an accompaniment and I wanted to make a one dish meal (just for a change lol).

While I'm desperately trying not to symptom spot its impossible not to notice that I'm experiencing all the same annoying symptoms as last month, plus nausea, and legumes are supposed to help whether its PMS or morning sickness so chickpeas are also on the menu.  

I don't know exactly when I'm due this month as I didn't take the BBT Thermometer to Jersey and I haven't figured out my cycle properly since my last loss, but it must be by the end of the week.

We have loads of spices to throw out use up before we move to Australia so I thought I'd try to create a North African inspired recipe.

Gem squash is a lot harder to cut than I expected and I struggled somewhat to cut the tops off evenly.  You might need your super-strength for this.

 Fertility Focus

Winter Squash is rich in Vitamin A and zinc and selenium which is important for reproductive health
Turmeric is good for stabilising blood sugar levels which helps with managing weight and hormone balance
Chickpeas are a plant source of protein
Spinach is rich in iron, folic acid and vitamin K

Ingredients

Pre-prepped for a change

• Gem Squash
• Butter
• Cumin seeds
• Coconut oil
• Ground coriander, cinnamon, turmeric
• Ginger
• Garlic
• Onion
• Chickpeas
• Tomato
• Spinach

Method

1.  Set oven to 160 degrees Celsius.  

2.  Wash and dry the Gem Squash.  

3.  Cut the tops off and scoop out and discard the seeds. 

4.  Rub with butter, replace the tops and roast in the oven for approx 25 minutes.
5.  While the squash is cooking, toast some cumin seeds in a dry pan.  

6.  Once they're toasted add a teaspoon of coconut oil and the ground spices.  

7.  Cook for a few minutes then add half a finely chopped small onion, garlic and ginger.  

8.  Saute until soft.  

9.  Add a cup of pre-cooked (or canned and rinsed) chickpeas and stir until completely covered with spices and onion mix.  

10.  When the squash is nearly ready add chopped tomato and spinach.  

11.  Mix around so the spinach wilts.
12.  Remove the squash from the oven and scoop the cooked flesh out of the shell and lid. They are extremely hot to hold so use oven gloves or something to stop your hands from burning.  The flesh comes out all stringy. Pull it apart.

13.  Mix the squash into the pan with the chickpeas.

14.  Stuff the empty shell with the chickpea mix and return to the oven for another 10 minutes.

I served this with quinoa and some harissa paste I found lurking in the back of the spice cupboard.

Ready to stuff the shells

Book Review - Trying : love, loose pants & the quest for a baby

Appropriate pun.

Trying : love, loose pants & the quest for a baby

Mark Cossey
Summersdale Publishers, 2013

I am supposed to be writing an essay for a continuing education course.  

I go to the library to find books. Actually I also go to the library just to leave the house.  Working From Home and Not Working are two very different beasts.

I'm much better at the former.

One of the things I like about having a library card (and I have something like seven cards in four different countries) is that you can just pick something off the shelf on a whim and take it home with no commitment.  

If you don't like it, you don't need to finish reading it.  

If you DO like it, you can buy your own copy.  

This encourages me to read lots of books about all sorts of subjects that I might otherwise show no interest in.  I'm a bit stubborn in that I usually make myself finish a book even when I think it is awful.

I read mostly non-fiction and like to read autobiographies and biographies.  I like to learn about other people's lives and perspectives.  Especially when I need to distract myself from actually doing any research or writing the essay I'm supposed to be working on.  'Trying' jumped out at me from the biography section when I should have been looking at medical journals.

Review:  

Mark and his wife Martha have been diagnosed with 'unexplained' infertility.  

In the UK, that means you've not conceived after two years of unprotected intercourse at the fertile time of your cycle.  

Martha spends her time learning about their options.  She does the research and presents him with the next steps.  He reacts and describes all sorts of odd fantasies in his head before addressing the subject at hand.  

Bless.

Firstly, I was really glad to have a male perspective.  

The author Mark is quite jokey about many of the indignities and frustrations of his and Martha's journey - I think many men use humour to deal with their feelings - but he is also extremely honest and poignant.  I feel like he gave me a bit of a window into what Mr Duncan may be thinking or feeling, but cannot express.

Especially that float off onto a tangent bit that totally drives me nuts.

A few quotes from the book that resonated with me...

On helplessness:

...because Martha and I desperately wanted a baby.  We really did.  We had been trying for forever.  I felt like I’d let her down a hundred times, this woman who I’d always wanted to give everything to.  I’d lived with her disappointment for months and then years.  I’d seen the pain inside her eyes grow and felt more powerless than I’d ever imagined.
…
Like everyone in that waiting room, we were scared.  Scared of never having a baby, scared of never being able to share the love we had with our own flesh and blood.  Scared?  We were terrified.

On timed intercourse:

My imagination wasn’t the only enemy.  Intercourse was also being hampered by that other useless part of male psyche:  the ego.  I’ve said that men don’t like to be told when to have sex, but the truth is, we hate it.  We don’t mind it being offered to us, we don’t mind asking for it; some men will even try to demand it.  But we will not be told.

On communication:

Men sometimes say they don’t care.  Usually they say it just at the moment when they care the most, when the thing they care about is in desperate need of that care, and when admitting that they did care would sort everything out.  Why Martha couldn’t see that I don’t know; instead we had a fight, which ended with her shouting: ‘Do you really want this?  Do you?’

On social isolation:

We shared less and less in common with our be-childed brethren

The other place have found that helps me decode Mr Duncan and his lack of responses is an online fertility forum for men.   Lots of wry humour there too.

Secondly, I love the title - Trying.  Yes Mark and Martha are trying to have a baby and any sort of infertility is extremely trying.  

It tries

• Your trust.  
• Your patience.
• Your mental health.
• Your self-confidence.
• Your relationship.  
• Your identity as a 'normal' member of the human race. 

Technically Mr Duncan and I were 'unexplained' until we conceived Poppy, but mostly our inability to conceive was put down to old eggs which is probably fair enough given my age.  

The most I've got out of Mr Duncan on the subject is 'stupid babies' in the manner of Homer Simpson where he disparages what he doesn't want to deal with.

Sometimes with a hug or slightly misty eyes which allows me to remember he is human.

And I have to remember that whether he is good at expressing himself or not, he has lost two children.  

He is grieving what might have been, whether he shows it or not.  

And I need to be gentle and supportive of him, as he is of me.

And he is really good at that.

------

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Char-grilled Sardines on Barley and Spinach with Tomato Chutney

As you know, I'm trying to use up foods from our store-cupboard before we move to Australia.  I found this packet of pearl barley which I have been avoiding for months.

When I bought it, I was actually trying to buy millet, which is supposed to be amazing for fertility, but I guess they were out and put the barley on the shelf above the millet label.  

I hate it when that happens.  

I really should read the labels on things before I put them in my basket.

With the veggie box this week we got spinach and tomatoes, which I love and I ordered some fresh sardine fillets because they were on special.  I knew those ingredients would go well together, but it took me a while to figure out exactly how.

This meal was inspired by a recipe for Smoky Griddled Sardines with Sweet Tomato Chutney at Delicious Magazine.  For the chutney, I used loads of ginger, omitted the oil, sugar and salt and didn't discard the tomato seeds or measure anything.  

Who has the time for that?  

The chutney turned out just fine.

Fertility Focus

Sardines are full of essential fatty acids, vitamin D and a food source of coenzyme Q10 which aids mitochondrial function
Spinach is rich in iron, folic acid and vitamin K
Tomatoes are full of the antioxidant lycopene which boosts sperm health and also contain folate, B6, vitamin A and vitamin E
Ginger promotes blood circulation and proper digestion in which the body absorbs the nutrients in foods
Home made Chicken Stock (I follow the same method as Naturally Knocked Up and keep it in the freezer) is recommended for nurturing fertility in TCM

Ingredients

• Fresh sardines - I used fillets because that is what I had, but the original recipe suggests whole ones
• Coconut oil
• Smoked paprika
• Soy sauce
• 1 cup pearl barley, pre-soaked, rinsed and drained
• Chicken stock
• Fresh spinach

For the tomato chutney

• Tomatoes
• Onion
• Root ginger
• Garlic
• Balsamic vinegar

Method

1.  Simmer the barley and an equal amount of chicken stock covered in a large pot (I use my wok) for approx 30 minutes over a low heat until the barley is cooked and the stock is nearly completely absorbed.  You may need to add more stock/water.  

2.  Finely chop the onion, ginger and garlic.  

3.  Sweat over a low heat in a small pan. 

4.  Scald and peel the tomatoes.  

5.  Chop into large chunks and add to the pan. 

6.  Splash in some balsamic vinegar.  

7.  Cover and gently simmer until tomatoes are softened.  

8.  Remove from heat and set aside.

9.  Melt a tablespoon of coconut oil in a shallow bowl (I did it over the tomato chutney).  

10.  Add a dash of soy sauce.  

11.  Sprinkle in paprika powder until you have a runny paste.

12.  Wash the sardine fillets to make sure the scales have all been removed and pat them dry with paper towels.  

13.  When the barley is nearly done, roughly chop the spinach and mix into the barley.  

14.  Cover and allow to wilt while you cook the sardines, stirring occasionally.

15.  Heat a griddle pan on a medium flame.  

16.  Dredge each sardine fillet through the paprika paste so they're covered on both sides and cook skin side down for 2-3 minutes until charred.  

17.  Turn off the heat and turn the fillets.

18.  Serve the sardines on the barley/spinach mix topped with warm tomato chutney.  

1. 
   

Meditation

Stillness and reflection in the Okavango Delta

The first time I heard about meditation I was ten years old.  My Mother had just given me a book for my birthday called 'Meditation for Children'.

Although an avid reader, I was unimpressed and uninterested in this particular book.  I didn't like my Mother telling me what to do, especially if it was in any way related to her hippy ways, and it lay on a shelf disregarded, for years. I don't actually remember what happened to it.

I guess my Mother could see what was going on with me and was trying to do me a favour.  

While I'm pretty happy with my brain, it has seen me through some complex and difficult situations, I do have one of those minds that churns incessantly.  So in my head, I think meditation is something I should do, and would benefit from.  

If nothing else, I could do with conditioning myself to trigger the relaxation response.

I've tried to learn to meditate a number of different times in my life, with a number of different methods.

• In my early 20s I bought a transcendental meditation cassette tape which had you repeat a mantra for 20 minutes.  
• Inspired by a recent visit by Sri Chimnoy during my first stint working in London, I set up a small shrine with a candle to meditate on in the morning before I left for work.
• When I was living in San Francisco I attended several terms of meditation classes at a 'church' that I eventually felt was a bit too cult-ish for my comfort. 
• I've taken meditation workshops at Tibetan Buddhist temples.
• I tried various guided meditations on YouTube in the interests of reducing stress while I was trying to get pregnant.
• When I first lost Poppy, a friend recommended the meditation podcast 'Emotional Ease' to help with the merry-go-round of incessant self recriminatory thoughts I was suffering.
• When I was pregnant with Pipkin, I listened to a meditation iPhone app while travelling to work on the tube in rush hour.  I find crowded tube trains extremely stressful.  Don't you?

I'm sure there are other times I've tried to start a meditation practice that I don't even recall.  I can honestly say I've learned something from each attempt, but I haven't ever stuck with it.

The problem is, when I try to meditate silently, my internal voice kicks up a big ruckus and I usually terminate the session after a couple of extremely uncomfortable minutes of conflicting internal dialogue.  I mean, I know the point is to keep doing it until my internal voice calms itself (learned helplessness maybe?) but I just don't.

I have more success with guided meditations but get bored with them very quickly and drift off into my own thoughts. 

The other problem is that I like my bed too much to get up any earlier in the morning than I have to, and evenings are about dinner and spending some quality time with Mr Duncan. 

I know.  Excuses, excuses.

I think the closest I've actually come to finding any peace in meditation is during yoga classes, when I am focussed on my breathing and my body is automatically responding to the teacher's instructions.  

It took me years of regular yoga practice before I could even quiet, though not halt, the chatter in my brain during Savasana.

I was recently recommended a website called Buddhist Geeks by an ex-colleague.

Not that I'm particularly buddhist, but I am a little bit Silicon Valley and he wanted to draw a parallel with how I coach my software teams to deliver and the practice of mindfulness.  

I had a click around and found an interesting podcast about behavioural design and how to build positive habits.  One study showed that even finding time for a two minute meditation each day, was more beneficial in establishing a regular meditation practice than setting aside more time less regularly.

I know that I will benefit from meditation if I manage to make time and space in my life to practice it.  So I decided its time to dust off the headspace meditation app I downloaded when I first got my iPhone and never really used past the first week.  

I 'took ten' in the park when I was early to a lunch meeting yesterday and I felt SO much better.  Given I wake naturally at stupid o'clock in the morning and take my temperature before going back to sleep, I'm going to try to spend ten minutes with the app in the morning.  Then I'll go back to sleep.

Mr Duncan won't even notice.

If that doesn't work, I'll have to take the brute force approach and enrol in a 10 day silent Vipassana retreat per the little hints I've been finding in my reading lately.

Broccoli and Cashew Stir Fry with Noodles

Brocco-nut Noodles

Mr Duncan gave notice to our landlord at the end of last week.  It was not as soon as I would have liked. I'd have done it the day he got the visa.  But when you delegate the job of Landlord Relations to someone else you live with, you have to let them do things their own way.

Even if it drives you nuts.

Otherwise you just end up taking all the responsibility for everything - and that is not a recipe for a harmonious home-life.  Or relationship either.

So there has been a sudden flurry of activity this week.  

I've been trying to get international moving companies in to quote for our move and no fewer than seven real estate companies have been in touch wanting to send over photographers for their listings and bring through potential future tenants.   

I hate strangers in my house when I'm not present.

We have two months to get everything organised which would normally be more than enough time.  

As an adult, I've moved countries four times with little more than a couple of suitcases, a wooden chest full of sentimental items and a couple of oriental rugs. 

I've learned how to only spend money on things I really love and to make do with things that I can let go of easily until I move to my forever home, where ever that may be.

Mr Duncan, on the other hand, never gets rid of anything and is resistant to suggestions that some of the half-read newspapers and magazines piled up on his desk could go in the paper recycling.  

It transpires, in addition to all the furniture and belongings in our home, he wants to bring a whole load of stuff I didn't even know he had, from his childhood bedroom and the loft at his parents' house.  Including a filing cabinet-sized obsolete computer from the early 90s. And all his childhood books (which is kind of sweet). 

Oh - and after much too-ing and fro-ing as it makes no financial sense whatsoever, the Land Rover, which is its own little set of organisational headaches to do with shipping and import duties.

For the past couple of months I've been asking Mr Duncan to get all that he wants to bring to Australia to our current house, so I can get moving quotes.  A few weeks ago he took the Land Rover up to his parents place with boxes and the intention of returning with the stuff he wants shipped to Australia.  

He returned empty handed with a headache and sulky attitude.

I gather his mother is less than impressed by the plan to move and is holding his stuff to ransom with a side of emotional blackmail.  I am less than impressed he never told her before.  

Moving to Australia has been the plan of record for over three years now.

He wants me to go ahead and get the quotes on what is already at home, then have them charge us for whatever extra he brings by before they pack it all into the container.  

I dislike this plan as

a) I have no idea of the volume of 'extra' and

b) there is already a considerable cost associated with shipping all his crap belongings currently IN the house.  I am not happy to incur penalty charges for an undefined quantity of 'extra' that may turn up especially since

• I could do the move alone for less than a tenth of what just moving the Land Rover is going to cost   
• we want to be able to buy a house in Australia and the moving costs are coming out of our savings for a deposit
• I'm not currently earning any money
• we agreed it would be okay for me not to immediately get a high paid/high stress job on landing in Australia in the hope I might get pregnant again.  

Gah!

I'm never going to get pregnant again if I let the stress get to me.  Allow me to soothe my feelings with food....

Fertility Focus

Cashew nuts are full of protein, healthy fats, iron, zinc and selenium
Broccoli is a source of calcium and helps balance hormone levels

This Abel and Cole recipe for Brocco-nut Noodles came with our vegbox.  For a change, I mostly followed it as written - I just used pre soaked and dried cashews (without butter), added some onion and tossed the still hot noodles into the wok for a couple of minutes before serving.

Beetroot, Tomato and Lentil Salad

Although I started working on eating the freezer and our cupboards bare some months ago, we still seem to have lots of random store-cupboard and spice items to use up before we move, so I need to get better at incorporating these into my meals.

It seems the weather in London outdid itself in sun and heat while we were in Jersey on holiday.  

I thought I had cancelled the veg box due on the morning we returned, but it was sitting under a bush outside our door when we got in that evening.  The contents were a bit wilted but otherwise fine for having sat in sunlight all day. 

I normally elect to skip items we don't eat or already have a lot of.  But because I thought I'd cancelled the box, I didn't check what would be in it.  I ended up with rather more limp lettuce than I prefer.

The sun also put an end to the usually robust mint in my garden.

Without its usual London rain careful watering, my mint plant had yellowed considerably in the five days we were away.  I pruned it severely in the hope it will come back (it is almost impossible to kill mint) and picked off the tiny new buds at the top of each stem as they were the only edible bits left.

Fertility Focus

Beetroot is full of iron and folate
Quinoa is a plant based form of protein, and contains all nine of the essential amino acids needed for cell renewal.
Lentils are a good source of folic acid, full of iron and provide a non-meat form of protein
Tomatoes are full of the antioxidant lycopene which boosts sperm health and also contain folate, B6, vitamin A and vitamin E
Sunflower seeds are full of B vitamins, vitamin E and zinc

Ingredients

• French lentils, soaked, boiled and cooled
• Tomatoes, chopped
• Pickled beetroot, drained and chopped.
• Cooked quinoa
• Sunflower seeds
• Onion, finely chopped
• Mint

Method

1.  Mix together equal quantities of lentils, tomatoes and beetroot.  

2.  Toss in cooked quinoa, sunflower seeds, finely chopped onion and mint to taste. 

3.  Serve with a drizzle of balsamic vinegar over a bed of shredded lettuce.

Family

Grilled mackerel and vegetable salad with balsamic dressing
at Portelet Inn, Jersey.  I am SO going to make this one day.

Our trip to Jersey was great.  

The weather was sunny and hot with a comfortable breeze.  The view from our hotel overlooked the sea and I enjoyed the smell of salt in the air.  We rented bikes for two days and explored most of the island.  

We cycled the headland overlooking the sea where my Jersey great x4 Grandfather grew up.  We visited the castle dominated village on the other side of the island where my great x4 Grandmother was raised before they met and married in New Zealand.

On one hand I felt very connected.  Maybe it was because Jersey reminded me of New Zealand - at least in its leafy greenness and closeness to the sea.  On the other hand I felt a bit despondent.  

Does this line end with me?  

Obviously their line doesn't, because they have other lines with other great x 4 grandchildren, but my maternal line could very well end here.

Its been a tricky couple of weeks.  

August bank holiday a friend was over from New York and we met at a mutual friend's place for lunch.  It was great seeing everyone.  Really.  

It was also good to meet the mutual friend's two month old son for the first time - their first baby died of mitochondrial disease and they went through all sorts of pain.  They've been so supportive of me in my losses I am so thankful and don't begrudge them their children at all.  

But I couldn't help but feel, as I held the baby for a few minutes, that maybe I'll never... 

and it felt emotionally so uncomfortable I thought maybe I wouldn't be any good at being a parent anyway.

Today, another weekend, an engagement/housewarming barbecue.  We're not actually that social normally - I haven't enjoyed being around lots of people since I was pregnant the first time.  

I was fine with all the toddlers running around.  I was even mostly fine when the eight months pregnant woman came and sat next to me and started chatting. But when friends of hers came up to ask her how she was and when she was due... she started complaining (in that boasting way they do) about how awful her pregnancy was (and I'm sure it is) and how she just wished it was all over already (which is probably perfectly reasonable).

Gah!

I didn't think it was reasonable.  

I couldn't handle it.  I saw red and abruptly got up and stormed to the other side of the property.  It was that or rant at her about...

Well I'm not even sure about what really.  

I was all like how dare she complain with her round belly and perfect toddler.  MY belly should be that round!  I should have a live baby toddling around!

My anger.  

Not really her problem.

On the up-side while we were in Jersey I spent some time at the archives looking up census records.  At a time when 

• 20% of children died before they were 5 years of age
• the average life expectancy was only 35 years

my female forebears lived into their 80s and were still having children (who also lived into their 80s) at 44 and 45.

So... 

You know.  

Hope.

Looks like I have good genes.

L.

x