Crying over novelty socks - a new perspective on grief

Holey Socks Batman.

Yesterday morning Mr Duncan was wittering on to me about a pair of his socks.

Freshly laundered, he went to put them on and found them full of holes.  

This was no big surprise to me.  I don't know how he goes through socks as fast as he does, but he is regularly throwing out socks with holes in the toes and heels so I wasn't paying close attention to his complaint, especially once he started going on about moths and mothballs.  

We have not developed a moth infestation in the three days since he last wore those socks.  

I'm not saying that something didn't try to eat them while they were drying on the washing line though... we are not yet closely acquainted with all of Australia's creepy crawlies.

When I was first pregnant with Poppy I noticed a pair of Homer Simpson novelty socks at the pound shop in the days coming up to Fathers Day.  Mr Duncan is a massive Simpsons fan and we enjoy a couple of in-jokes based on Homer Simpson statements.  So I purchased the socks and gave them to Mr Duncan with a Homer Simpson Fathers Day card, from me and Poppy, assuring him what a great Dad he'd be.  

We lost Poppy less than two weeks later.

Time has passed and old wounds, if not exactly healed, are less immediately painful.  

Poppy's due date and first birthday have come and gone and in that time we conceived and lost Pipkin and now are hoping for Pickle to arrive safely in June.

While I frequently think of both Poppy and Pipkin, what they might have been like if they had been born, how our lives would be different...  its like a nostalgic feeling for what might have been and it doesn't trigger tears in the way it did in the past.

Later in the day I noticed Mr Duncan's Homer Simpson socks in the wastepaper basket by his desk and burst into a fit of hysterical ugly crying - complete with red face, heaving chest and breathless gasping.

Grief is a funny thing.  

Just when you think it is subsiding it rushes in unexpectedly and sweeps you off your feet.

Its been a while...

Pumpkin and Green Bean Salad with Tomato Basil Couscous

Although I compose a half paragraph or two in my head nearly every day, I've not found the motivation to actually commit any of them to a post.

If I started this blog to foster and record my creative efforts with some vague ideas about correlating creativity in general with creating new life, now I'm pregnant and living in a mostly empty house I find myself at an all time creative low.

We moved to our new (rental) home a few weeks ago.  

It is lovely and spacious with big windows affording lots of natural light and only a 20 minute walk to the sea.  

I love it!

Our furniture being shipped from the UK, spent an unscheduled two week stopover in Singapore, so we had to rent a bed/couch/table and buy some pillows and a blanket to make do until our shipment turns up.

I thought the cooking situation was bad in the serviced apartment.  Now I have only a camping set of two nesting pots to cook with.  This severely limits my options.  

I feel like I'm making the same meals all the time.  

Our dining set consists of some plastic plates we brought in our luggage and a backpack picnic set we bought once we found out the shipping was going to be so late.

It feels the most creative I've been lately is with some old telephone books we found in a cupboard - I tore off the covers to use as placemats to keep the rental table in good condition and I'm using some of the books piled up under the bed to stop the rental bed from rolling around the bedroom as its castors don't have any locking mechanism.

Same old, same old but on plastic plates.

It took two weeks for the internet to be connected so I had lots of catching up on other blogs to do, but feeling so blah haven't had anything positive to comment. I am still reading though and thinking of you all.

Tomorrow our shipment is due to be delivered.  

Unfortunately no one involved in shipping/removals here seems able to provide confirmed dates/times in advance so I haven't been able to sequence the pickup of the rental furniture before the delivery of the shipment from the UK.  Both sets of companies will phone me with a 'window' tomorrow morning.  

I am expecting some level of chaos to ensue.

But it heartens me that as of tomorrow I'll have my kitchen stuff back... and my desk... and my sewing machine and with any luck my motivation and creativity will come back too.  

I have an essay I need to write and submit to complete a course I did last year and there are some things I want to sew for Pickle before he/she is born.

And on the Pickle front...

The fetal anomaly scan was, in the words of the technician, 'as expected' so that is probably good.  

Pickle was extremely active, wriggling away from the ultrasound wand as much as possible and frustrating the technician to no end.  

I am definitely getting rounder and living in the clothes I altered while in Brisbane.  Although I do worry that I'm not putting on enough weight.  In the UK I used to weigh myself on those machines in Boots but haven't been able to find any public weighing machines here so I guess I have to wait until my next hospital appointment in two weeks.

I now have the reassurance of feeling Pickle kick to let me know everything is okay with this pregnancy. Pickle is pretty inactive in the day but come 10.30pm, tap-dances up a storm.  

I try not to worry but its hard not to.  And I know it seems crazy, but I still fearfully check for blood every time I use the bathroom.

I tackled the tricky problem of how to tell my family... 

There always seems to be lots of feuding in my family.  I am the only one who is always talking to everyone else.  

I was worried about triggering accusations of favouritism if I told one family member before others.  

So I sent them all a card with the same information - our new address and that we were expecting an addition to the family in June.  

My mother and sister seemed to think we were getting a pet. 

My Aunt and Father both sent notes of congratulations.  

No word from my younger sister, but that is to be expected.  I work on the premise that no news is good news with her.

I've added a new pic to Pickle's page for those who want to see baby bumps.

L.
xx

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Roast Summer Squash and Chickpea Salad

Roast Summer Squash and Chickpea Salad

This week in the veg box we got a little bag of pattypan squash (also known as scallop squash).  I've never seen or heard of them before.

They look like little yellow flying saucers from 50's advertising.  

I did a bit of googling to find out what to do with them and was uninspired until I found this recipe by Chocolate & Zucchini which I adapted liberally to suit what I had on hand.

Fertility focus:

Summer squash is rich in antioxidants and vitamins A, Bs (including folate) and C and the skin is full of fibre.
Chickpeas are a good plant source of protein and fibre.
Rocket (Arugula) is actually a cruciferous vegetable packed with fertility-boosting vitamins and minerals which, research shows, improves liver function. It is also considered an aphrodisiac in some cultures.

Ingredients

• Pattypan squash
• Courgette
• Chickpeas
• Rocket

Dressing

• Olive Oil
• Lemon
• Capers

Method

1.  Wash and cut the pattypan squash into quarters, then halve each quarter.  

2.  Cut the courgette into similar sized chunks.  

3.  Toss with a little olive oil and roast in the oven at about 200 C for about 20 minutes or until the squash is soft and caramelising at the edges.  

4.  Remove from the oven and allow to cool.
5.  Squeeze the juice of half a lemon and mix with a drizzle of olive oil.  I don't like to use too much as the squash is already covered in olive oil from the roasting. 6.  6.  Scrape out the lemon flesh from the rind and add to the lemon and oil with a couple of teaspoons of finely chopped capers.
7.  Rinse the chickpeas and rocket leaves and toss with cooled squash and dressing.

Topped with Sardines

I served this with sardines, which contrasted nicely with the salty-tart dressing, spicy leaves and sweet roasted squash.

Ho hum, not Ho Ho Ho.

New Years Breakfast - buckwheat pancakes

It's been a few weeks since I last posted and to be honest its because I've been in a bit of a funk.  

While its true I'm not the biggest fan of Christmas (I'm more "ho-hum" than "ho ho ho" due mainly to the commercialism and saccharine idealism of family life in the media) Mr Duncan and I enjoyed a picnic in the park on the day and it passed uneventfully, so its not that.

I have been spending a lot of time on the internet trying to figure out where we should rent, and Mr Duncan and I have pounded the pavements relentlessly evaluating different neighbourhoods.  The rental market is quite tight here and most properties have only a 10 minute inspection window once a week in which all prospective tenants visit the property and then run to be the first to get their application in.

I'm pleased to say we signed a lease on Monday and will be moving on 18th January.  I'm less pleased to say the container of our belongings (which I'd been enjoying tracking on the internet) has been offloaded in Singapore and is now scheduled to arrive three weeks later than originally planned so we wont have any furniture until February at the earliest.  I need to sort out renting some furniture temporarily and buying a fridge and washing machine but I'm pretty uninspired to get on with it.  I've not even been motivated enough to read the blogs I follow (sorry guys, I'll get to you, I promise) or the library books I have borrowed - and I know I still have the Creme waiting for me.  I need to be in the right frame of mind, but I'm not sure how to trigger it...

This is probably the longest period of unemployment/inactivity I've had since early in high school. You know that saying 'if you want something done, give it to a busy person'?  That busy person is usually ME.  I actually enjoy juggling tasks to meet deadlines, but the less I have to do, the less I actually do and the more flat I feel.  Its a bit of a vicious circle.

I think I'll probably look for some work once we move - if they'll have me. There is a lot of competition for jobs here, especially at this time of year and I'm not sure anyone is going to want to employ me at five months pregnant.  But I have to do something or I'll end up going insane with self-inflicted boredom/churn.

I have also been slightly anxious about Pickle.  Its been ten weeks now since any concrete evidence of a growing baby, although to be fair, my belly has definitely been growing. We have the anomaly scan next week, maybe that will help kick-start me into some activity and enthusiasm again.

We have signed up for an organic veggie box service and I've been cooking to the best of my ability with the limited tools available to me in this apartment, but its just the same old stuff.  I can't wait to have a proper kitchen full of my own cooking gear again.

Tortilla

Thai Beef Salad

Egg fried rice with green beans

Beef and noodle stir-fry with beans and red pepper

Roast root vegetable salad with feta

Butternut squash soup

Chicken and green bean coconut curry

Picnic tortilla

Another Thai Beef Salad

Roast summer veg couscous salad

Barramundi on ratatouille with broccolini

Progress with Pickle

Railay Bay, Thailand ~ June 2009

Once we received Mr Duncan's visa grant and were working out the details of our move to Australia, we thought we'd spend a month or so experiencing the good food, weather and laid back lifestyle to be enjoyed holidaying on an island in Thailand.  While we waited for our stuff to be shipped to Australia.  After all, Mr Duncan only needs a fast internet connection to be able to work.

Then we found out about Pickle and decided it was better to come straight to Australia.  I was concerned about continuity of maternity care and had no desire to be somewhere I didn't speak the language if something went wrong like... um, before.

We travelled when I was 11 weeks pregnant.  I really wanted to be here by Pipkin's due date.  And I skipped the 12 week scan completely.  I didn't want the test results last time, and after what happened that was doubly true this time.

I registered with a doctor the week we got to Melbourne who referred me to

• a pathology clinic to have blood taken and tested
• a radiology clinic for an 18-20 week ultrasound and to 
• the local hospital for pregnancy care

I had the bloods taken on the same day as my doctor appointment.  I haven't had any results so I assume they went to the doctor and everything is fine.

I received a letter from the hospital I was referred to saying they accept me as a patient for pregnancy care.  Thank you.

They have scheduled two appointments for me on 7th January.  One for the booking clinic, the second for the doctor clinic.  

The hospital website says the booking clinic appointment is usually held between 14 and 18 weeks and mine is scheduled for week 19, so just a little late.  

I have no idea what happens in the doctor's clinic.

I hadn't heard back from the radiology clinic as them so made a follow up call and they have booked my 18-20 week scan for 13th January.  After checking my dates I called back to check the appointment has been made for the right time - it is scheduled for 20 weeks, 6 days.  I was told that the doctors there don't want to see you for the scan until you're at least 20 weeks. It is a different hospital to the one I have been accepted at, (I have to get the ultrasound done privately) so maybe they do things differently there.  Except even their website refers to it as "Mid-trimester scan (18 to 20 weeks)".

So I'm a bit confused.  If anyone reading this has any experience of the Australian (Victorian) system for pregnancy care, I'd be very interested in any comments/advice/feedback.

I am slowly getting bigger and now look pregnant enough for someone to offer me a seat on a crowded tram yesterday.  

I'm also experiencing some growing pains in my belly, which in the absence of any other confirmation, is mostly reassuring.  

Whew!